TITLE: THE HEART OF MEMORY
GENRE: MG SF/F
Twelve-year-old Justin isn't an arsonist, but nobody is going to believe a
dragon with a stolen egg set the fire. When Justin recovers the egg, a
frost and fire dragon hybrid, he races into a fantastical world, pursued
by the dragon desperate to take it back. If Justin doesn’t return the egg
to its mother in time, two endangered dragon species will become extinct
I really like this, but I have two comments. The first is in the first sentence, "with a stolen egg" just confuses me. I think you can cut that and be much stronger. "Nobody is going to believe a dragon set the fire." (And maybe say what fire - the fire at the school, etc.) Then, I wonder if there are stakes for Justin. Two endangered species becoming extinct is somewhat exciting, but I'm guessing part of the stakes for Justin are clearing his own name of the arson. I'd like to be reminded of that in the final sentence. I'd request pages!ReplyDelete
I think you can just drop the first sentence.ReplyDelete
When 12 yr old Justin recovers a rare dragon egg, he races into a fantastical world, pursued
by an evil dragon who is desperate to steal it back. (Why?) If Justin doesn’t return the egg
to its mother in time, two endangered dragon species will become extinct and (how this relates to Justin)
Hmm - this is missing the last phrase. I probably failed at cut and paste. The last bit should read: and he will never see home again, not even juvenile hall.ReplyDelete
Hope you don't mind I played with it a bit...ReplyDelete
Twelve-year-old Justin isn't an arsonist, but nobody is going to believe a dragon set the fire in a ruse to smuggle out a stolen dragon egg. Justin recovers the egg and races into a fantastial world, pursued by the dragon who's desperate to take it back. The egg must be returned to its mother otherwise this dragon species will become extinct, and he will never see home again, not even juvenile hall.
I like your voice, and find the story interesting. But you could take out a few words just to tighten it up.
I like it and would read.
...can I just copy/paste what JoyMC said?ReplyDelete
You could also cut the frost/fire dragon hybrid part