GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
When seventeen-year-old Alexa discovers she possesses supernatural abilities, her fate as a trophy in a war for mankind between two paranormal races is revealed. Her life and the future of humanity hang in the balance as her choice between bad-boy Dell and the mysterious Hayden will not only decide who Alexa loves, but which side she fights for.
I bet I would like reading this!ReplyDelete
You might want to reword the bit "her fate...is revealed" because you tell us at the end she isn't certain which side to fight for and so I don't think her fate was actually revealed. Know what I mean?
Maybe you could just say: 17 yr old Alexa discovers that she has supernatural abilities that make her a trophy in a war between two paranormal races. Her life and the future of humanity depend on who she chooses to love. Bad-boy Dell or mysterious Hayden. (And somehow work in why the choice makes such a difference.)
Interesting concept. Mostly this needs simplification and some clarification of goals and consequences.ReplyDelete
Seventeen-year-old Alexa discovers she is a war trophy, prized by two paranormal races for her (specific) abilities. She must decide how to use her powers, in support of (specific kind of being) bad-boy Dell, and the (specific other kind of being) Hayden. Then something about her goal and consequences if she fails.
Like the premise a lot:) Like Heather I want more specifics like what are her abilities, and she is the only one that has these?ReplyDelete
I like this! Awesome start, just be more specific. What kind of abilities and what kind of paranormal races.ReplyDelete
I agree with the others. I would like to know a bit more about her abilities, but I think you set up a very intriguing conflict/world. Great job! Good luck! :)ReplyDelete
Excellent suggestions by Alisha and Heather. Good luck! This is definitely a book I'd read!ReplyDelete
Succinct and titillating. The point of a logline, which usually accompanies a treatment, is to get decision-makers to sit up and say, “I want to know more.” The “more” comes in your summary and ultimately your script. Scare me. Excite me. Motivate me. Make me feel. That’s your goal as a writer. Your logline is often the beginning of your pitch. I’ve got “hiccups” on your logline. Perhaps you can start with the most exciting part to me: “Seventeen year-old Alexa’s life and the future of humanity hang in the balance when…” Good luck! Hit me up anytime for specifics. I do this all day, every day.ReplyDelete
Jennifer B. White
Here's a revision. If anyone sees this, let me know if it's any better. Loglines are not my strong point lolReplyDelete
Seventeen-year-old Alexa’s life and the future of humanity hang in the balance as her fate as a supernatural trophy in a war for control of mankind between two paranormal races, the Vanquishers and the Sentinels, is revealed. Her choice between bad-boy and Vanquisher, Dell, and the mysterious Sentinel, Hayden, will not only decide who Alexa loves, but which side she fights for.
One more alternate version, I changed the end to make it a little more dramatic. I hope I addressed the hiccups!ReplyDelete
Seventeen-year-old Alexa’s life and the future of humanity hang in the balance as her fate as a supernatural trophy in a war for control of mankind between two paranormal races, the Vanquishers and the Sentinels, is revealed. Her choice between bad-boy and Vanquisher, Dell, and the mysterious Sentinel, Hayden, will not only decide who Alexa loves, but which side she’d die fighting for.
PS, thanks so much for all the help! You guys rock!ReplyDelete
I still don't know what her abilities are. "fate as a supernatural trophy in a war for control..." doesn't do it for me. What does that mean? What does she have to do? How is she going to win? What does she bring to the table? I like that you added "she'd die fighting..." Jennifer gave you a great lead, when... when (what happened?) You have a great story, I need to understand - still missing her role. Make sense? Hope this helps. Good luck!ReplyDelete
Thank you for responding, Robbin! I think my fear here is giving too much away or it becoming too long. I think I have an idea how to get it right finally. I'll be back! lolReplyDelete
Better? I have a longer version, but I'm worried it's too long so I'm trying this instead. I'm hoping I addressed the issues? It's tough to elaborate on her abilities since she possesses more than one, but I'm hoping this will do...ReplyDelete
Seventeen-year-old Alexa’s life and the future of humanity hang in the balance when the power only she can generate makes her the trophy between two races warring for mankind. Her choice between risk-taking Vanquisher, Dell, and the mysterious Sentinel, Hayden, will not only decide who Alexa loves, but which side she’d die fighting for, revealing alls fate.
Fantastic! I think you really nailed it with the changes you have made. I get the sense that there is a good and evil thing going on with these two boys and clearly Alexa's power has some importance on what each race will do with it. I do agree with you on the "abilities" part. You really don't want to get into it if she has multiple abilities because it will turn into a laundry list, which will ultimately make it too long. A logline is to hook the reader and to get me (the reader) to want to pick up the book and read what is going to happen. You got me hooked! Can't wait to find out what happens!ReplyDelete
Awesome! A power that only she can generate is enough to intrigue. Yeah!!! Now get working on polishing up your first 250 words :) Fingers cross for ya!ReplyDelete