Genre: YA Fantasy
The Aerisians—people living on the invisible, floating continent of Aeris—were given a power beyond the elements and a legendary task centuries ago: protect the Yin Shadow and the Yang Light, the pair that makes up the balance of the Earth. But in the week Atalanta Raire turns fifteen, suddenly the Light is stolen, her sister goes missing, and the only thing Ata can do is go to the Earth Plane, where a trapped Cimmerian bent on twisted revenge shatters free of his prison, and Ata’s nonexistent luck is about to make her his bait for a desperate and crumbling world.
This sounds like an exciting story, but you're trying to cram too much into the logline. The whole first sentence is background and doesn't even mention your mc. Too many names and concepts you don't have room to do justice to. Simplify!ReplyDelete
ie When the guardian of the Light, fifteen-year-old Ata, discovers her dangerous/explosive/precious charge is stolen and her sister kidnapped, Ata chases the thief to Earth. To recover the light, she must battle (some more specific action) her people's vengeful ancient enemy, but if she fails, Earth will (something specific).
Now I know the above sucks, but I tried to strip out all those details and get to the meat of it. I'm sure you can do better.
I like Heather's suggestions, and agree with the first part being background. Best of luck!ReplyDelete
Heather nailed it. The only thing I absorbed the first read through were all these unusual terms/names: Aerisians, Aeris, Yin Shadow, Yang Light, Atalanta Raire, Cimmerian, Ata.ReplyDelete
Even if you adequately explain what all these are (and, of course, you wouldn't have room in a logline), it is just too much to absorb in a paragraph. Simplify this plot down to its bare bones. Remove plot lines if you have to for the sake of the logline; focus on the most important ones.
I'd also suggest to just give us the first name of your MC and keep that same name throughout the logline (don't say both "Atalanta" and "Ata").
If anything deserves a little more explanation, it is the Cimmerian. If he/she/it is the real threat, I'd like to know what he/she/it is.
Having said all of that, you have a super cool/original fantasy going here! I know it's hard to pare down complex plots and premises for a logline, but I know you can do it. Good luck!
I agree with both Kathyrn and Heather's suggestions. Sounds like an epic fantasy with plenty of world building but for the log-line it needs to be pared down. Good luck!ReplyDelete
Both comments were great. Exactly what I would suggest. Less back story and more info. Sounds like a great read!ReplyDelete
Heather and Kathryn were spot on.ReplyDelete
How I received your logline:ReplyDelete
A country of people, Aeris, were given the responsibility to protect Yin and Yang. One of the Aerisians, Ata, has to find her sister, whose disapperance is connected to the missing yin and yang, making it Ata's responsibility to find as well. Cimmerian is a type of person from another country, one possibly at war with Aeris and/or who are at odds with whoever put the Aerisians in charge of such precious things. Because the light is missing, Earth is now out of balance, therefore falling apart and if the light isn't returned, Earth will cease to exist.
There is a bit too much information here. As I commented on #6, a logline is supposed to be short and concise. 1-2 sentences, no more than 75 words at most. Try to trim the details and just stick to the main points a logline should express: protagonist, antagonist, conflict, goal, consequence.
The writing is beautiful, but needs to be pared down. Try removing ALL extras, even the word "suddenly" is unnecessary -- and we don't need "trapped" Cimmeron, or "twisted" revenge. When I posted my logline on the official site, a word count popped up. It may not allow you to go over 100, and of course you don't need to go that high to tell your story. It does sound very compelling, and I like your style. --skywriter, posted as Anon for tech reasonsReplyDelete