Title: The Saint and the Smith
Genre: Historical Fiction with strong elements of fantasy
Merewyn's powers swirl out of control every time Warin, the cynical blacksmith, comes near. To keep from killing the man she can't help but love and protect him from King Henry III who wants his head, she must risk the noose and master her sometimes saintly, oftentimes devilish abilities.
I think you're close, but not quite there. On my first read through I thought Merewyn was an apprentice boy. I don't have any sense of how old she is. Also, is Warin her love interest? That wasn't really clear. What happens when he comes near. I don't know what her powers are yet.ReplyDelete
Merewyn's heart has always belonged to Warin, but she (name something that happens) whenever he is near. She must risk the noose to save Warin from the king who won't stop until the man she loves is dead.
My example isn't the best I've come up with, but I think you get the point. Cut out a lot of words. Good luck!
Merewyn has spent the last twelve of her twenty years hiding the fact that she might be a saint. Or a sorceress, depending on your point of view. Nunneries and nooses are not what she has in mind. But when she falls for a cynical blacksmith who absolutely pulls the magic from within her, she must master her abilities to keep from killing the man and to protect him from mercurial King Henry III who wants his head.
This is better but it should be cut down to 2 sentences. I'll give it a shot.ReplyDelete
Merewyn has spent the last twelve of her twenty years hiding the fact that she might be a saint or a sorceress - depending on your point of view. But when she falls for a cynical blacksmith, who pulls the magic from within her, she must master her abilities to keep from killing him.
I took out a lot - including the king because it's a second plot. Stick to your main concept. If you must leave the king in then remove his name. You don't need it.
Thanks for helping me with this. Can I just start over? How's this?ReplyDelete
In 13th century England, a twenty year old woman hides her unpredictable power to heal and hurt until she falls for the bastard son of a nobleman whose alluring presence pulls the killing magic from within her. To protect him from both herself and the mercurial king who wants his head, she must risk the noose and master her supernatural abilities.
Commenting on the new one.ReplyDelete
I think you don't need to state her age in this adult book - you could use "young."
You initially describe her power as "hurt" but later becomes "kill" - can you clarify?
Can you rework "bastard...her."? He removes the killing only and leaves the healing? Or both? Does pulling mean removing? Or helping her control it? Try for clarity here.
Why does she need to protect her love interest from herself if he quashes her powers?
Is the King the love interest's father?
Think about the goal a little. She needs to master her abilities and do what with them?
I like the voice in Janice Sperry's logline. Also, ending with 'from killing him' makes me want to read more. Good luck!ReplyDelete
This sounds like something I would read!ReplyDelete
I agree, I like Janice's take on it. I'm seeking a little clarity with the hurt and kill wording as well.
Also, Is there a consequence of her dying if she doesn't master her abilities or is the goal/consequence only to protect the man she loves from being killed?
I hope this helps. Good luck! :)