Title: SO YOU DON'T WANT TO BE AN EVIL SORCERESS
Genre: YA Fantasy
Mysty dreams of dating high school basketball star Eric Gallante; instead, she accidentally turns him into a frog. Her kiss could make his amphibious problem permanent so she must find someone with a pure heart – who he hopefully won’t like too much – to kiss him before she is dragged into fairy tale land and punished for her crime.
I liked this before, and love it now.ReplyDelete
Minor nit: being that you don't mention Mysty's surname, you could leave off Eric's too.
Really, I can't find another thing to say. Good job!
This is much clearer now!ReplyDelete
However, this: "Her kiss could make his amphibious problem permanent so she must find someone with a pure heart..." is a bit awkward. Maybe add a comma after permanent and the word "instead" after so.
I agree with Heather~ this sounds like so much fun! Love it :)ReplyDelete
Fantastic! I so love the voice!! My favorite is "amphibious problem".ReplyDelete
I kind of trip over the phrasing of "who he hopefully won’t like too much" but I can't think of a cleverer way to say that.
All in all, an awesome logline!
Thanks everyone. I've tripped over every point you've mentioned but I can't figure out a better way to say it. Even using the surname. I just can't separate Gallante from Eric. It's like separating Johnny from Depp. And Mysty sounds better than Mysty Perilous. lol I guess it's time to leave it alone.ReplyDelete
I really liked this...ReplyDelete
the only picky point is the phrase -who he hopefully won't like too much- which feels very awkward. Also, I didn't get a sense if Eric likes her at all or if this is a one-sided love.
How I received your logline:ReplyDelete
Mysty likes the popular boy at school, but she isn't popular herself. She tries to spell him into liking her somehow, but it goes awry and he becomes a frog. Someone with a pure heart (a human or someone without ties to magic) can turn him back with a kiss or she'll be punished for casting a spell on a human.
This sounds kind of young for YA, more like MG to me. And why would Eric like this pure-hearted person? Is she setting them up to date while he's in his froggy condition so they can work their way up to kissing? That line just doesn't do it for me. And why would she be kissing him as a frog? And why doesn't she have a pure heart? Things to consider if revising.