TITLE: SWIM
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
http://misssnarksfirstvictim.blogspot.com/2011/10/logline-critique-round-3-11.html
Even though it's against Mer rules, seventeen-year-old Meredith thinks she can keep her relationship with the human boy she saved a secret. She trusts herself to keep it all in control...until she falls in love with him, her secret is found out, and a mysterious death has the Mer suspecting she is a Siren, a caller of men. Suddenly, Meredith's friendships, love, and ultimate freedom all depend on her finding answers, even if they are not the ones she wanted.
I like the first sentence but the second seems way too long. Maybe combine?
ReplyDeleteEven though it's against Mer rules, seventeen-year-old Meredith thinks she can keep her relationship with the human boy she saved a secret until she falls in love with him.
I think it's implied that her secret gets out when you say "until." so I would consider removing that part of the next section:
A mysterious death has the Mer suspecting she is a Siren, a caller of men. Suddenly, Meredith's friendships, love, and ultimate freedom all depend on her finding answers, even if they are not the ones she wanted.
Also, remove suddenly. It's unnecessary.
I like this concept.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled over "mer" in the first sentence as I thought they were Mer - edeth's personal rules.
In the second line, you can drop her falling in love - that is implied in the first sentence.
I agree with Anna above you can drop "suddenly."
I would read this.
ReplyDeleteI thought Mer was a nickname for Meredith as well. I had to re-read it to get that Mer is not the protagonist but the race/world she belongs to? I also assumed by her keeping the human boy that she was already in love with him, so I don't think that's needed.
Hope this helps! Good luck. :)
I agree with above, only thing I would say is maybe write out what Mer is first before shortening it later. Also, delete "a caller of men". Sounds like a great story!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I am slowly coming to the realization that she just cannot be named Meredith! Which sucks, because that's been her name in my head for so long. ARGH! But these are great suggestions - off to play with it some more!
ReplyDelete