Title: Dead Like Me
Previous Entry: Round 2, #36
When Detective Kate Springer catches the case of a murdered teenage girl, the investigation brings Kate face to face with the man who abused her as a child. Too fragile, she never publicly accused Roger White of the abuse she had endured. Now, twenty four years later, he’s turned up as a suspect in the Callahan murder. But Roger’s advanced age and infirm health causes Kate to question everything. With time running out, Kate fights to distance herself from the painful feelings over her childhood in order to solve the case and catch a killer.
Can the detective catch a case? Or is it assigned?
I suggest you drop "too fragile" - it doesn't really mean anything. Does she blame herself for the abuse?
I doubt Kate questions everything - be specific.
Why is time running out?
Is it that Kate needs to distance herself from her feelings, or somehow deal with them so she can do her job?
I like this, but think you need to streamline it a bit. I love the first sentence. The next few strike me as more appropriate for a query, not a logline. Why is time running out? That phrase might be better off left out - otherwise, it just raises a question that's not answered. Tell us specifically what Kate needs to do so she can solve the case. Good luck!ReplyDelete
I think you can either trim the first sentence or the rest of it, bc you show the first sentence in the next two. There's no need for both as written.ReplyDelete
Question - if her abuser is so old and infirm, how is he a current suspect?
Agree with Tarak on the stakes - be specific.
Here's a suggestion:ReplyDelete
Detective Kate Springer never publicly accused Roger White of his abuse to her twenty-four years ago. Now he’s turned up as a suspect in the Callahan murder, the case Kate is assigned to. As she works to solve the mystery before the killer strikes again, Kate must finally address the painful feelings from her childhood.
I agree with Heather above. We don't want Katie to distance herself from her painful feelings. We want her to face them and overcome them.
Take out details, such as Roger's old age and infirmity, that need more words to support them in a logline.
If there's a way that Kate's overcoming her feelings directly affects the success or solves the case, be specific with that so we know exactly how the two relate.
Good luck with this emotional thriller. It sounds like a fantastic read!
I love what Kathryn Prudie wrote. The story intrigues me. Good luck!ReplyDelete
This sounds like a great story!ReplyDelete
I also agree with Tarak and Heather, and I think Kathryn Prudie did a great job tweaking it. The revision above is a little too long and does read like a query. You want to be short and specific.
As a reader, I want Kate to confront her feelings and her past, and I want to get a sense that she does that from the logline. You've done a good job presenting the protagonist, antagonist, conflict and goal, it just needs to be streamlined up with the the pointers above.
Hope this helps! Good luck. :)