Prep Work Bonus Round #9

TITLE: The Legacy of the Eye
GENRE: Adult Science Fiction Romance

Logline: On a planet where merit should trump birthright, David uncovers a secret hereditary government. When he realizes the woman he loves will inherit the rule, his haste to put distance between them binds him to a planet at the other end of the galaxy for as long as it will take him to forget her. But those determined to bring him back will use love as bait.

First 250:

A single day can alter the course of someone’s life, and today was meant to reroute mine. After months of hard work, and intense arguing, the Council of Demia had allowed Cat and me to present our proposal. We were a pod ride away from our future, and the freedom of leaving the Academy. I just hoped the instructor chaperoning us did not decide to take undue credit.

I ducked as I followed Cat into the underground traveling pod. Inside, I covered the keypad with an outstretched hand and faced our instructor before he could move from the doorway.

"Max," I said. "We're leaving the school anyway, why not let me punch the code?" It might be a symbolic gesture, but I needed some control over our destination.

Arms crossed over his loose-fitting black tunic, Max obscured the pod's exit despite his short stature. "If I had any say, you wouldn’t be leaving at all. The council should have made you wait until after graduation like everyone else."

Cat and I had been confined in the school since we were two. What difference would two weeks make after sixteen years?

"We've earned the distinction," I said. Why did he insist on arguing with me?

His scowl intensified. "Next you'll ask to stop for a black uniform on the way out."

We had probably earned that too, but I knew how to pick my battles.

Cat's hand pressed my shoulder. "David, we'll be late."

"Tell him that," I said.

Prep Work Bonus Round #8

TITLE: The Last Innocent
Genre: New Adult Urban Fantasy

Logline: 22 year old Sarah Croshen hates feeling out of place, always different from her friends. A botched burglary and meeting the handsome detective David Galpren sends her on a wild ride that reveals nothing is as it seems. Nothing. Winged angels? Demons from Hell? Supreme beings with supernatural powers? Preposterous! But when a demon prince kidnaps her best friend, Sarah is forced to accept her fate. Now she must fulfill her destiny or risk Andrea’s death.

First 250:

He sat with his wings tucked neatly behind him on the roof of the old house located in the heart of the college district in Eugene, Oregon. Muffled music escaped through the warped rafters. The Warrior smiled. She was playing her favorite tunes again. The ones she played when life became too stressful. He envisioned her now, walking through the cramped rooms below, singing with abandon at the top of her lungs. How fast she had grown up.

The Warrior shook his head and tried remembering the others. Human time was a blur for him. Surely he could recall at least one of his other assignments, but only bits and fragments surfaced. Mortals’ lives were over in the blink of an eye, and such a shame, too. These creatures possessed so much passion and beauty, and, sadly, equal ugliness. All of it rolled into one fragile package. No, the only details that came to his mind were the battles and carnage. No wonder he suppressed the memories.

Assignments, he chuckled aloud at his own thoughts. He could hear Michael’s scolding now, the beautiful Archangel lecturing him endlessly that protecting wards—mortals—was an assignment of the highest honor. He could even picture Michael’s finely sculpted eyebrows arch in that way he had when masterfully weaving his words. How an angel could be so dangerous, so powerful, and yet so beautiful mystified him. He shook his head again. God, in all His omnipotence, was the only one who could answer that question; however, that particular question hadn’t made it on the Warrior’s list for when his time came to stand before the Almighty.

Prep Work Bonus Round #7

Title: Cltr+Alt+Delte

Genre: MG Light SciFi

Logline: Ten children in Johnson Bays have gone missing, only to turn up inside the online social media site FacePlace. Something went wrong, and the child responsible for using the top-secret government machine, the Polerizeroid, is inside with them. What they don’t know is they have less than 24 hours to escape. Before they disintegrate into the stratosphere.

First 250:

 

The heat of summer rolled into the small community of Johnson Bays. The time of year when the children roamed barefoot, playing tag until well after sunset, and the evenings filled with the hum of crickets and gentle breezes.

Kalliope’s shadow loomed over her nine-year-old brother. “You aren’t pulling the wings off that dragonfly? Are you?”

Theo dropped the open jar, along with the tweezers, splattering iridescent bugs over the ground, creating a carpet of blinking lights before they lifted off and flew away. “They’re fireflies! And you ruined it!”

“You dropped them.”

Kali’s voice had its way of startling Theodore, making him nervous, making him think he did something wrong. Did she always have to be so bossy? Theo wouldn’t actually be hurting the insects, but sometimes his experiments didn’t appear cruelty-free.

 “I’m telling Mom! And Dad. And Grandpa—can’t tell Grandma--but she already saw you,  ‘cause she can see ALL now.” Kali imitated an evil eye.

Theo scrambled to collect the items from the street before darkness fell completely, so he didn’t leave anything behind: saucers, cups, and water bottles with mosquito larva, assorted-size jars, and Lego links. Everything on display went into the plastic milk crate on the curb. Kali continued her inspection up close, and zeroed in.

“Um, what’s in there?” She pointed.

Theo looked around, and pretended not to know what she was talking about. He thought if he ignored her she might just go away.  No chance.

“You gotta set those free, too. You can’t keep ‘em.”

Prep Work Bonus Round #6

TITLE: Fairy Cakes

GENRE: MG Magical Realism

LOGLINE: 

For eleven-year-olds Bobbie and Charlie, the first day of summer is the last day their lives won’t be sticky with frosting, stinky with the smell of brine, and enchanted by the magical world of fairies as they bake their town out from under a pickle spell.  

FIRST 250: 

Her stomach rumbling, eleven-year-old Bobbie crashed through the mudroom door, kicked off her sneakers, and tossed her backpack on the floor. Just a step behind her twin sister, Charlie entered the house, slipped off her ballet flats, and brought her lunch bag and homework into the kitchen looking for the note her mom left telling them when she’d be home.

Charlie and Bobbie squealed with surprised delight when they spotted a plate of perfectly frosted mini-cupcakes waiting for them in the center of the kitchen table. Bobbie broke into a run, elbowing Charlie to be the one to get there first.

Charlie savored a bite as Bobbie went in for seconds, but before she could snag another cupcake, their mom and dad, Anna and Jolly Hart, burst into the kitchen looking excited. 

 “We have big news,” Anna announced, her ponytail bobbing up and down.

“Maybe a bit more vanilla, just a smidge,” Jolly said.

“That doesn’t sound like big news,” Bobbie said eager for another cupcake.

“It actually does have to do with what we want to share with you,” Anna answered.

“What is it?” Bobbie asked licking some chocolate off her finger.

“We bought a bakery,” Anna declared, her voice squeaking. Jolly’s bearded grin reached up to his twinkling eyes.

“That’s cool,” Bobbie said as she thought of all the yummy treats she’d get to eat.

 “There’s more,” Jolly said.

 “It’s in Maine,” they said together. The old wooden clock on the kitchen wall counted ten seconds in the silence that followed.

Prep Work Bonus Round #5

Title: ATTIE AND THE MONSTER BOOK
Genre: MG Magical Realism

LOGLINE: After twelve-year-old Attie Cohen receives a book about monsters from a mysterious family counselor, her siblings suddenly start morphing into deadly, supernatural beasts.  The trouble is they morph when their emotions flare, and with their parents' divorce approaching, emotions are constantly on high alert. Attie must do her best to stay alive, keep her siblings human, and get back to that family counselor for some answers before she gets into BIG trouble.


FIRST 250:

My sister’s a monster.  No, really.  The first time I saw her morph was back in December.  My parents had been arguing all day.  I’d tried every nook and cranny in the house, but it was no use; I couldn’t escape the sound of their annoying bickering.  So I finally left—just walked out the front door and made my way to the ravine. I hoped I might find some peace and quiet there.
Instead, I found my sister.
I was halfway down the steep slope when something hissed, “Get out of here, Attttttiiieee.”
Attie?  My name?  I looked around, and then I saw—it—her—Gracie.  She wasn’t so far away from me, but she was a good ten feet up in the air somehow magically attached to a tree.  Her skin was the color of a submarine, and bright blue veins covered her body.  They popped out along her arms and legs, making her look like some thirteen-year old girl version of the Hulk.  Her hair was sticking straight up over her head, and wrapped around the tree like it had sprouted a mind of its own and decided that today was the day it would finally merge with nature.  In other words: OMG.   My sister’s into fashion and being pretty and taking a bazillion hours in the bathroom each morning. This was the least pretty I’d ever seen her. And that’s counting the day she threw up five times.

Prep Work Bonus Round #4

TITLE: Pox

Genre: Young Adult Fantasy

Logline: Isa and her dying brother flee the capitol after Isa kills a guard in self-defense and accidentally steals one of the King’s prized possessions. Armed with only the knowledge that one of the gods is still alive, Isa must find her and return her to power. If not for Isa’s neglected country, then for her ailing brother.

FIRST 250:

A traitor dangled from the meeting hall rafters. Blowflies and beetles hummed around him. They clung to the tattered frays of his King’s guard uniform and crawled over his bare feet. I tucked my nose into my shirt and wiggled my toes. My thin leather boots cracked.

Pity someone had already stolen his shoes.

I kicked a beetle across the floor. I’d never seen this room so empty. The view through the sewer grate was always crowded by boots with new recruit stamps on the heels. I used to sit under the grate and listen to the march of boots at the evening’s shift change. I’d catch a glance of the pair stomping off to storeroom duty. Then, I’d beat them there and snatch some food before inventory. This was the first time I’d ventured through the old grate.

The room I’d imagined was bigger, grander. This was the room recruits stepped into after swearing away their lives and kneeling before their noble patrons. I expected pomp. The only decoration was the hanged man.

That was one way to stop defection.

“Ill met,” I said with a mock salute.

He didn’t respond. All the better. I was too hungry to be in a talking mood. The soldiers he’d left behind were still doing their jobs—breaking up groups, closing the markets, and guarding the tribute wagons. The soldiers who’d gone to guard the barrack’s storehouse tonight were new and eager to please. They’d catch me in a wick.

Prep Work Bonus Round #3

TITLE: SHATTERED

GENRE: NA Fantasy

LOGLINE:

Eighteen-year-old Dawn’s no thief, yet she’ll have to be if she wants to save her sisters from becoming demon chow. She’s tasked with stealing a powerful charm capable of releasing an imprisoned succubus—but first she’ll have to slip past its steamy guardian, Kalan. Dawn discovers Kalan has his own agenda, though, and seducing her is the first step in his plan.

FIRST 250:

Don’t look, Dawn. You know what happens when you look.

 

I looked up. It was inevitable. When you tell yourself not to do something, you usually do the exact opposite.

 

Crap.

 

The park vendors swarmed me like a pack of rabid dogs. Their voices tore into me, snarling off sales pitches.

 

“A beautiful necklace for a beautiful—”

 

“No.”

 

“Would you like a subscription to The Vigrith—?”

 

“No."

 

“Mini glow-in-the-dark helicopters for sale! Buy ‘em by the dozen."

 

“What? No. Why the hell would I want twelve glowing helicopters?”

 

I didn’t wait for a reply. I walked as fast as I could without drawing attention. Luckily, the tiny carts were only set up at one entrance to the park. Turning into a large clearing, I glanced around for Cassie before settling at an empty picnic table.

 

Unfortunately, I didn’t find one in the shade. The heat was bearable, but the sun had me worried. Ultraviolet rays plus pale girl equaled a sunburn no amount of aloe vera could soothe. Hey, at least I had a gorgeous view...

 

Who was I kidding?

 

One half of the park had a dried-up garden with a statue of the plump Lady Fredericton; the other side had a few trees, twice as many picnic tables and a pathetically empty sand pit—

 

Power washed over me, rushing into my lungs like water. I gasped, my vision blurring. Stupid. I’d been stupid. Letting my mental barriers down was the epitome of stupid. The intruder left almost as soon as they came, but I still sensed them.

Prep Work Bonus Round #2

TITLE: TWIST OF FATE

GENRE: NA Time Travel Romance/Historical Fantasy (?)

LOGLINE:  Modern goddess Pandia is sentenced by Zeus to community service in Pompeii, where a mishap with an official lands her in the local amphitheater’s center ring, a sword in her hand, and a swarthy gladiator by her side.  To escape Pompeii, Pandia will have to prove she’s learned her lesson, but helping mortals is harder than she thought, especially when they expect her to kill one, and Mt. Vesuvius is rumbling.

 

FIRST 250:

 

If I hadn’t gone to a party with Aphrodite, I wouldn’t have flirted with Julius Caesar, and pissed off Cleopatra.  Cleo wouldn’t have complained to Hera, my step-mother, and I wouldn’t be in deep shit with my father, Zeus.

 

 “Pandia. Do you know why I’ve called you before me today?” Daddy’s voice echoed in the Great Hall.  The conversation around us ceased, and the abrupt silence gave the place a shivery feel, reminiscent of a morgue. 

 

“Umm, no.” I traced the pattern on a marble tile with my peep-toed Manolo and avoided his eyes.  When in doubt, pretend you don’t know what in Hades he’s talking about.

 

“You’ve done it again.” He sighed like a planet crushed his shoulders, and ran his hand through his curly white hair. “When will you learn you can’t indulge yourself with whomever you please?”

 

I peeked at him through my lashes.  No sparkle in his dark eyes or grin to indicate teasing.

 

“I was bored.” My words rushed out. “There’s nothing to do here except watch sprites bathe in the fountains and trolls challenge each other to duels.  Aphrodite and I wanted to have fun.”

 

“You’re twenty.  A goddess.  You should do what the other young goddesses do: perfect your vocation.”

 

“My vocation is asinine.” I scowled at him.  “Goddess of Light. What in Hades does it mean?  Apollo has the sun and lightening wrapped up.  The stars belong to Astraeus.  What’s left for me? Nothing. I’m not even Goddess of the Light Bulb.”

Prep Work Bonus Round #1

TITLE: TRUTH DARE DISAPPEAR

GENRE: Lower YA Adventure

LOGLINE: Geneva 2025 - No sooner have thirteen-year-old Thomas and his mother masterminded an escape to America than he’s snatched from home. A rebel priest dumps Thomas in a hidden monastery in the Italian Alps where he discovers he’s a pawn in a Vatican plan to bring down the State. Worse, there’s a secret in his past he’ll never outrun and it’s about to catch him up with devastating consequences.

FIRST 250: 

Thomas huddled behind a garden bush and squinted through the night towards his house. A grungy man was inside talking fast with his mother. If his eyes weren’t playing tricks, he’d bet, hand on heart, it was a rebel priest - one of those diggers with their long hair, ragged clothes and bulging muscles fresh from the work camps.

Weird. They didn’t break surface often but when they did they were dangerous. And bad to associate with. That’s what his mother had told him and now look at her. Look at the priest  - in their living room – pacing like a spooked cat.

Sal whined sensing the tension.

“Shush up,” he whispered, hand on her collar. “Priest alert.” Her terrier fur hackled with an attack of goose bumps. If dogs got goose bumps.

Thomas squeezed his baseball good and tight. One shot, right through the window he was thinking. A kid fooling around - a mistake - it could work. Knock the priest unconscious, grab his mom and run.

He stood, felt the slight give of the grass at his feet. They were so close to escaping to America nothing could stand in their way. Especially not a crazed priest.

Best not to over-think. He picked up the bat, threw the ball and with a sniper’s eye swung in the direction of the haloed windows. It felt like batting the moon to heaven or hell. Knowing Thomas's luck it'd be hell. 

 

Prep Work" Logline/First Page Critique BONUS Round 4 Submission WindowNow Open!!

ROUND 4 IS NOW CLOSED--thanks as always to everyone who entered!  Come back at 3 PM EDT today to see the entries and offer your feedback!

This month's critique rounds will be called "Prep Work".  For those who weren't here foe the first round, I'll explain again.  This particular round is for those of you who plan to enter Baker's Dozen 2013, or for those of you who need to work on both your logline and first page.  Hopefully, the feedback you'll receive here will give you what's needed to get your work chosen for the next contest or auction (Secret Agent is right around the corner!).  EVERYONE WHO PARTICIPATED IN ROUNDS 1, 2 and 3 get automatic submission into this bonus 4th round!!

This round I will accept all genres and it is one entry per person, per genre (So you can submit 1 adult, 1 NA and/or 1 YA/MG).

Starting now, please send submissions to ktcritiques [AT] gmail.com by 10 PM EDT Saturday night, October 19.  I will post them Sunday, October 20 at KTCROWLEY.COM for critiquing.

In the subject, please state “PREP WORK BONUS ENTRY”.

Please list the TITLE, GENRE and your SCREEN NAME (I will not include screen names in the critique posts, these are for my purposes only. Your screen name is the name you'll use to critique others in the comments.) above your logline and 250 words (format it the way you normally would). Please do not stop in the middle of a sentence. If it goes over the 250 limit by a couple of words, that's fine. If you stop at say, 235 words, that's fine, too.  As for the logline word limit, I'll make the cut 75 words, but please note, most loglines should only be a max 50-55 words, so keep in mind that less is more.

So your submission should look like this:

SCREEN NAME: Your Screen Name Here

TITLE: Your Title Here

GENRE: Your Genre Here

LOGLINE: (Logline here)

FIRST 250: (First 250 here).

A confirmation email will be sent, but it may not be right away. Only resend if you don't get one by the last hour of the submission window. Should I receive 20 entries, an email will be sent to notify you if you didn't make the cut and I will update this post to reflect an early closure, so get yours in quickly!

Please check your submission(s) carefully for typos, grammatical errors, etc. before submitting. Once the submission is confirmed by email, it is set to automatically post. Double checking it first will ensure your writing is critiqued appropriately. Also, please leave out "chapter one," chapter "titles", etc. Otherwise, I may count them toward your 250 and you could lose some of your first page entry.

If you enter, please critique five other entries, so that it's fair for everyone (if you enter multiple times, please critique 5 others for each one of your entries).  And spread the word; the more critiques, the merrier! Let's help everyone involved get as much feedback as possible.

 Good luck, everyone! I'm looking forward to seeing all the great writing and supportive critiques.  Got questions?  Post them in the comments or shoot me an email.

P.S. If you're not a follower of my blog, I'd love it if you'd follow my journey and join the fun! There are several ways via the right-hand side of the screen. I try to offer open critique rounds monthly to help writers like you perfect your work. Our already amazing writing community only gets better when we help each other. :)

Prep Work Round 3 #11

TITLE: The Tree of Us
GENRE: YA Coming of Age

LOGLINE: Connected through the South American orphanage where they first meet, three 13 year-old girls form a bond through a shared journal that travels across the Americas and brings the girls closer to each other and to the truth about the circumstances of each of their births.

FIRST 250:

July 1979
Bogotá, Colombia


     The dawn light shone fiercely on the sidewalks still wet from the previous night’s rain. A lone elderly woman wearing a black knit shawl covering her head scurried down the road holding a wooden fruit crate at her hip. Weaving through the streets of Bogotá's outskirts she had one thing on her mind. Deliver this safely.

     The woman moved from paved roads to cobblestones to dirt. She heard the sounds of roosters, smelled rice and beans cooking over open flames, and saw the workers watering the flower farms dotting the landscape. She didn't stop to eat, she didn't stop to say hello, she didn't think about how much her bare feet ached. She kept her legs moving and pressed on.

     The woman was unsure if she had arrived. She saw a gate and in the distance a two-story house and beyond that a cluster of modest brick buildings. Sitting atop a grassy hill and surrounded by a wrought-iron fence, these were the only structures she could see for at least a kilometer in any direction. She approached the gate slowly and then she noticed it.

     There was a bronze plaque to the right of the front latch. She couldn't understand the words but underneath the writing she saw a symbol that represented what she was meant to deliver. She gently placed the crate on the ground, bent down to arrange its contents, and then with the same urgency as before she turned and retraced her steps.

Prep Work Round 3 #10

TITLE: A Child of Serenity

GENRE: YA Contemporary

LOGLINE: When the leader of the Serenity’s Children cult forces 16-year-old Miriam into marriage with a stranger, she will have to choose between fighting for the only boy she’s ever loved and following the rules of the only life she’s ever known.

FIRST 250:

The girls don’t get a choice. It has been this way for as long as I’ve been alive, and longer. My father chose my mother, a fact he has never let her forget.

I don’t know how the other girls feel about the Selection. It is not something we talk about. As female Children of Serenity, there is not much that we are allowed to talk about. This bothers me more than it should, considering it has been my experience that no one ever says what they really mean.

And there is no way to know how the boys feel about it either. Since adolescence we have been kept separate, except for Sundays at chapel. And of course there is no speaking at chapel. That is a rule that even I have never broken.

The Selection is our biggest celebration all year. It goes on for days, out in the open desert, beyond the concrete walls of our city.  There is singing, and dancing, and feasting. The stars decorate the sky like thousands of candles, and the smoke from our fires climbs into the vast darkness like an offering to God. 

I can feel Boaz’s gaze on me. He is standing on the other side of the fire—the boy’s side. His eyes are bright in the firelight, his skin a dark bronze against the white of his shirt.  And I dare to hope that maybe, just maybe, tonight he will call my name.

Prep Work Round 3 #9

Title: Cltr+Alt+Delte

Genre: MG Fantasy

LOGLINE: Ten kids in Johnson Bays have disappeared. One eight-year-old boy, Theo Stevens knows what’s happened to them. Theo also knows no one will believe him unless he can get the town to see it for themselves.

FIRST 250:

The heat of summer rolled into the small community of Johnson Bays. Children roamed free and barefoot. The days ahead filled with games of tag until well after sunset, catching bugs during dinner hours, crickets, and warm breezes off the bay.

“Theo, what are you doing?” Kali loomed over her little brother. “You aren’t pulling the wings off that dragonfly? Are you?”

Theo wouldn’t actually be hurting the insects, but sometimes his experiments didn’t appear cruelty-free.

“Um, ah.” Theo dropped the jar, splattering iridescent bugs over the ground, making it look like a carpet of blinking lights.

“Why’d you drop them?” Kalliope’s voice had its way of startling Theodore, making him nervous, made him think he was doing something wrong. Did she always have to be so bossy?

“I’m telling Mom! And Dad. And Grandpa—can’t tell Grandma--but she already saw you,  ‘cause she can see ALL now.” Kali imitated an evil eye.

Theo scrambled to collect the items out on display: saucers, cups, and water bottles with mosquito larva, Lego links.  Kali continued her inspection up close, zeroing in on what lay out on the asphalt. “Um, what’s in there?” She pointed.

Theo looked around, not knowing what she was talking about.

“You aren’t doing science experiments, again, are you?”

Dusk hung over the bays, just enough to see the glow bugs light up from inside the wide-mouth jar. “You gotta set those fireflies free. You can’t keep ‘em.”

At eight years of age, Theo was the resident entomologist of Johnson Bays Elementary.

Prep Work Round 3 #8

TITLE: The Last Innocent

Genre: New Adult

LOGLINE: 22 year old Sarah Croshen had always felt out of place, different from her friends. A botched burglary and meeting the handsome detective David Galpren sent her on a wild ride that revealed nothing is as it seems. Nothing. Now there was no going back.

FIRST 250:

He sat with his wings tucked neatly behind him on the roof of the old house located in the heart of the college district in Eugene, Oregon. Muffled music escaped through the warped rafters, the Warrior smiled. She was playing her favorite tunes again. The ones she played when life became too stressful. He envisioned her now, walking through the cramped rooms below, singing with abandon at the top of her lungs. How fast she had grown up.

The Warrior shook his head and tried remembering the others. Human time was just a blur for him. Surely he could recall at least one of his other assignments, but only bits and fragments surfaced. Mortals’ lives were over in the blink of an eye, and such a shame, too. These creatures possessed so much passion and hatred, with the capacity for abundant goodness and, sadly, equal ugliness. All of it rolled into one fragile package. No, the only details that came to his mind were the battles and carnage. No wonder he suppressed the memories.

Assignments, he chuckled aloud at his own thoughts. He could hear Michael’s scolding now, the beautiful Archangel lecturing him endlessly that protecting wards—mortals—was an assignment of the highest honor. He could even picture Michael’s finely sculpted eyebrows arch in that way he had when masterfully weaving his words. How an angel could be so dangerous, so powerful, and yet so beautiful mystified him. He shook his head again. God, in all His omnipotence, was the only one who could answer that question; however, that question hadn’t made it on the list for when his time came to stand before the Almighty.

Prep Work Round 3 #7

TITLE: The Legacy of the Eye
GENRE: Adult Science Fiction Romance

LOGLINE: On a planet where merit should trump birthright, the top governance graduate must expose a secret hereditary polity before he is persuaded to rule from a throne. Unless his rashness sends him to the other end of the galaxy first.

FIRST 250:

A single day can alter the course of someone’s life, and today was meant to change mine. After months of hard work, and intense arguing, the Council of Demia had allowed Cat and me to present our proposal. We were a pod ride away from our future, and the freedom of leaving the Academy. I just hoped the instructor chaperoning us did not decide to take undue credit.

I ducked as I followed Cat into the underground traveling pod. Inside, I covered the keypad and faced our instructor, who stood in the doorway.

"Max," I said. "We're leaving the school anyway, why not let me punch the code?" It might be a symbolic gesture, but I needed to feel some control over our destination.

Arms crossed over his loose-fitting black outfit, Max obscured the pod's exit despite his short stature. "If I had any say, you wouldn’t be leaving at all. The council should have made you wait until after graduation like everyone else."

Cat and I had been confined in the school since we were two. What difference would two weeks make after sixteen years?

"We've earned the distinction," I said. Why did he insist on arguing with me?

His scowl intensified. "Next you'll ask to stop for a black uniform on the way out."

We probably earned that too, but I knew how to pick my battles.

Cat's hand pressed my shoulder. "David, we'll be late."

"Tell him that," I said.

"You're only making him more stubborn, Max."

Prep Work Round 3 #6

TITLE: Attie and the Monster Book
GENRE: MG magical realism


LOGLINE: After 12 yo Attie Cohen receives a book about monsters, her siblings discover they can morph into deadly, supernatural beasts.  The problem? They lack control over the transformations; particular emotions awaken the mutations, and with the Cohen parents heading for a divorce, emotions are in no short order.  So Attie must #1) try not to die; #2) help her siblings stay human, and #3) figure out the mystery before she gets into BIG trouble.

FIRST 250:

The day I first saw my sister morph, my parents were shouting their heads off at each other.
. . . Again.
When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I stomped out of the house. Nobody tried to stop me.  In fact, no one even noticed me go.
So I tromped and clomped through the back yard–slamming each foot down on the spindly winter grass and looking for fire ant mounds to kick.  But my anger faded when realized that I was outside—alone.  Unsupervised.  Free.  So I did what any kid would do.  I headed for the ravine.
I’ll be honest with you. I’m not allowed there.  Mom says it’s dangerous. And she’s right. The slope’s steep. But I’m smart; I knew to be careful.
But something happened on the way down.
I was bracing my feet against parched roots, making my way toward the stream at the bottom, when something hissed, “Get out of here, Attttiiiieeee.”
Attie?  My name?  Could I be hearing things?  I stopped.  Looked around.
Then I saw . . . it. . .  her . . .Gracie . . . my sister. She was in the ravine too—not that far away from me, just off to my left.  I hadn’t seen her at first because she was a good ten feet up—in a tree.  Not climbing it, no.  She was somehow magically attached to it.  And I hate to say this, but she didn’t look human.  Her skin was the color of a submarine—steel gray—and bright blue veins covered her body.

Prep Work Round 3 #5

Title: MISSING CERULEAN BLUE

Genre: MG Fantasy Adventure

LOGLINE: When thirteen-year-old Calli’s father disappears, she follows his trail into an enchanted land at war with an evil changeling where he’s been injured and needs a magical healing nectar to survive. Before they’ll help her save him, she must help two elves and beautiful faerie cross a river full of sirens, and infiltrate the hobgoblin caves to rescue their kidnapped faerie prince.

FIRST 250: 

It’s not like I made a habit of listening to other people’s phone conversations, but there was nothing normal about my dad talking on the phone. Not anymore. The sound of his voice made me freeze on the stairs. It was still as heavy and dark as a thundercloud, but there was something different about it.

 

“Thanks for calling me back. No, I’m sure that won’t be necessary. No, she’s not a problem. Well, no, I haven’t…I know it’s been four months, June.”

 

My Aunt June. The woman thought I was a freak and never failed to make me feel like one. She believed my mom—her own sister—had ruined me with her “strange, artistic ways” and “stubborn insistence” on home-schooling.

 

“Well, I hadn’t thought of that,” my dad said.

 

I sat on the next to last step and tried to figure out why he wanted to talk to her when he’d been ignoring calls from everyone else. But there was no good reason that I could think of. And all of the bad reasons were making me feel a little sick.

 

“Let me talk it over with Calli and I’ll get back to you.”

 

When he came through the kitchen doorway and saw me sitting there, he didn’t look mad that I’d been listening. More like, relieved.

 

“You shaved!” The words just burst out of me. Then I noticed he wasn’t wearing his pitiful, brown bathrobe either. It had probably walked away on its own.

Prep Work Round 3 #4

TITLE: Pox

GENRE: Young Adult Fantasy

LOGLINE: Isa and her dying brother flee a tyrant’s guards when Isa’s attempted robbery ends in an accidental murder. Armed with only the knowledge that one of the country’s dead gods is still alive, Isa must hunt her down and return her to power. If not for her country, then for her brother.

FIRST 250: 

       A traitor dangled from the courtyard rafters. Blowflies and beetles hummed around him. They clung to the tattered frays of his King’s Guard uniform. I skirted around the edges of the courtyard and pulled my shirt over my nose. The rows of decorative bushes and vines along the walls snapped under my boots. A stray stick poked through a hole in the leather. I glanced to the guard. Pity someone had already stolen his shoes.

       I’d never seen this room so empty. The view through the sewer grate was always crowded by armored boots and bruised legs. I passed under the room often enough to know the layout. The heavy march of soldiers rattled the old walls of the abandoned aquifers. The rusted sewer grate tinted everything red.

       The room was larger than I’d thought. Without the press of bodies clunking around in armor, the empty dirt floor was a long one hundred paces. The dead soldier hung in the dead center. Dead flies and dirt collected beneath him.

       That was one way to stop defecting.

       “Eyes open,” I said. I touched my fingers to my temple.

       He didn’t respond. All the better. I wasn’t in a talking mood. The new pair of guards stationed outside the King’s storehouse was young, naïve, and took their jobs too seriously. Sneaking round them would be near impossible on a good day. Today, my stomach growled for attention every step. They’d catch me in a wick.

Prep Work Round 3 #3

TITLE: Love of the Sword
GENRE: Fantasy

LOGLINE: A young man's obsession with fencing comes at the price of human relationships.

FIRST 250:

Autumn arrived and the days grew short.  Trees shed their leaves and people sawtheir breath in the morning air. The Thibault estate buzzed with harvest activity.Gerard and his family labored in the fields and orchards alongside the peasants.  The threat of winter starvation erased class distinctions. 

After the day’s work was done, the Thibault family took supper round the fireplace and father pulled out a well-worn leather volume to read aloud.

He made great pretense of finding the spot where he left off the night before, harrumphing and flipping the pages back and forth until the children squirmed with anticipation.

Finally, he said, “Ah,” leaned back in his chair, sipped some wine and began to read.

It was the story of a man, a nobleman just like the Thibaults.  When he grew old he regretted he had never traveled or undertaken bold quests.  He turned his estate over to his eldest son, took his faithful servant, Pasquale, and rode off in search of adventure.

As the duo traveled, they had grand adventures.  They battled giants, sorcerers, and barbarians.  They rescued maidens and princesses.  They seduced pagan warrior queens(Gerard’s father skipped portions of that section.)

In the days that followed, Gerard and his siblings pretended they had adventures like the old man and his servant.  They laid ambushes in the wheat fields and jousted with apple trees.  They conscripted long-suffering peasants as faithful servants to carry their lances.                                   

Prep Work Round 3 #2

TITLE:  TWIST OF FATE (formerly Pandia Does Pompeii)

GENRE: NA Historical Fantasy

 

LOGLINE: After destroying a mortal’s destiny, modern goddess Pandia is sentenced by Zeus to community service in Pompeii where a well-placed knee lands her in the local amphitheater’s center ring, a swarthy gladiator by her side.  To escape Pompeii, Pandia will have to show Zeus she’s learned her lesson, but helping mortals is harder than she thought, and Mt. Vesuvius is rumbling.

 

FIRST 250: 

 

If I hadn’t gone to a party with Aphrodite, I wouldn’t have flirted with Julius Caesar or pissed off Cleopatra.  Cleo wouldn’t have complained to Hera, my step-mother.   And I wouldn’t be in deep shit. 

 

“Pandia. Daughter.” Zeus’ voice echoed in the Great Hall, halting the conversation around us.  Gods were a chatty group. The abrupt silence gave the place a shivery feel, reminiscent of a morgue.

 

“Do you know why I’ve called you before me today?” he asked.

 

“Umm, no.” I toed the pattern on a marble tile under my sandal and avoided his eyes.  When in doubt, pretend you don’t know what in Hades he’s talking about.

 

“You’ve done it again.” He sighed like a planet crushed his shoulders. “When will you realize you can’t travel through time and indulge yourself with whomever you please?”

 

I peeked at him through my lashes.  No sparkle in his eyes or big grin to indicate teasing. 

 

“I was bored.” My words rushed out. “There’s nothing to do here except watch sprites bathe in the fountains and trolls challenge each other to duels.  Aphrodite and I want to have fun.”

 

“You’re twenty.  A goddess.  You should do what the other young goddesses do: perfect your vocation.”

 

“My vocation is asinine.” I scowled at him.  “Goddess of Light. What in Hades does it mean?  Apollo has the sun and lightening wrapped up.  The stars belong to Astraeus.  What’s left for me? Nothing. I’m not even Goddess of the Light Bulb.”

Prep Work Round 3 #1

TITLE: TRUTH, DARE, DISAPPEAR

GENRE: Lower YA Speculative Adventure

LOGLINE: Geneva, 2025 – fourteen-year-old American, Thomas Defoe is whisked from home by a rebel priest and dumped in a hidden, thousand-year-old monastery in the Italian Alps. Religion’s banned in Europe and Thomas learns he’s a pawn in a dangerous Vatican plan to change that. Only his missing mother knows why and who he really is. And she’s sitting dead center of a lethal state, a cunning Church and a ticking bomb.

FIRST 250:

Thomas huddled behind a bush and squinted through the twilight at the grungy man talking to his mother. He’d pretty much bet, hand on heart, he was looking straight at a rebel priest. The ones with the long hair, ragged clothes and bulging muscles fresh from the work camps.

Weird. They didn’t break surface often but when they did they were dangerous. And bad to associate with. That’s what his mother had told him and now look at her. Look at him  - in their living room -  punching air, talking fast, pacing like a spooked cat.

Sal whined at his feet. “Shush up,” he whispered, hand on her collar. “Priest alert.” She quivered with an attack of goose bumps. If dogs got goose bumps.

“Easy, girl.” Thomas squeezed his baseball good and tight. One shot, right through the window he was thinking. A kid fooling around - a mistake - it could work. Knock the priest unconscious, grab his mom and run.

He stood up, felt the slight give of the grass at his feet. They were so close to escaping to America nothing could stand in their way. Especially not a crazed priest.

Best not to falter, not to over-think. He picked up the bat, threw the ball and with a sniper eye swung in the direction of the haloed windows of his house. It felt like he was batting the moon all the way to heaven or hell. Knowing Thomas's luck it'd be hell.

"Prep Work" Logline/First Page Critique Round 3 Submission Window Now Open!!

"Prep Work" Logline/First Page Critique Round 3 Submission Window is now closed--thanks for participating and come back later today, October 12 for the official posts!  Round 4 (Bonus round!) will open October 16, so if you missed out, don't worry!  You'll have one more chance to get feedback on your work.

This month's critique rounds will be called "Prep Work".  For those who weren't here foe the first round, I'll explain again.  This particular round is for those of you who plan to enter Baker's Dozen 2013, or for those of you who need to work on both your logline and first page.  Hopefully, the feedback you'll receive here will give you what's needed to get your work chosen for the next contest or auction (Secret Agent is right around the corner!).  And if you enter this round, you will receive automatic admission into the 3rd and final revisions round I will offer in October.  Those who were in the first and second rounds get automatic admission into all rounds!

This round I will accept all genres and it is one entry per person, per genre (So you can submit 1 adult, 1 NA and/or 1 YA/MG).

Starting now, please send submissions to ktcritiques [AT] gmail.com by 10 PM EDT Friday night, October 11.  I will post them Saturday, October 12 at KTCROWLEY.COM for critiquing.

In the subject, please state “PREP WORK R3 ENTRY”.

Please list the TITLE, GENRE and your SCREEN NAME (I will not include screen names in the critique posts, these are for my purposes only. Your screen name is the name you'll use to critique others in the comments.) above your logline and 250 words (format it the way you normally would). Please do not stop in the middle of a sentence. If it goes over the 250 limit by a couple of words, that's fine. If you stop at say, 235 words, that's fine, too.  As for the logline word limit, I'll make the cut 75 words, but please note, most loglines should only be a max 50-55 words, so keep in mind that less is more.

So your submission should look like this:

SCREEN NAME: Your Screen Name Here

TITLE: Your Title Here

GENRE: Your Genre Here

(Logline here)

(First 250 here).

A confirmation email will be sent, but it may not be right away. Only resend if you don't get one by the last hour of the submission window. Should I receive 20 entries, an email will be sent to notify you if you didn't make the cut and I will update this post to reflect an early closure, so get yours in quickly!

Please check your submission(s) carefully for typos, grammatical errors, etc. before submitting. Once the submission is confirmed by email, it is set to automatically post. Double checking it first will ensure your writing is critiqued appropriately. Also, please leave out "chapter one," chapter "titles", etc. Otherwise, I may count them toward your 250 and you could lose some of your first page entry.

If you enter, please critique five other entries, so that it's fair for everyone (if you enter multiple times, please critique 5 others for each one of your entries).  And spread the word; the more critiques, the merrier! Let's help everyone involved get as much feedback as possible.

 Good luck, everyone! I'm looking forward to seeing all the great writing and supportive critiques.  Got questions?  Post them in the comments or shoot me an email.

P.S. If you're not a follower of my blog, I'd love it if you'd follow my journey and join the fun! There are several ways via the right-hand side of the screen. I try to offer open critique rounds monthly to help writers like you perfect your work. Our already amazing writing community only gets better when we help each other. :)