Title: Here Comes the Sun
Everyone has a soundtrack to their life; a list of songs they listen to when they're excited and happy or lonely and sad. But just as 17-year-old Natalie's soundtrack mirrors her life with sad songs brought on by a severe dose of shyness, she meets an unavailable and outgoing Beatles fanatic who has her heart crooning love tunes, forcing her to confront her introverted ways before he, too, walks away.
I like the musical theme!ReplyDelete
Personally, I don't think you need the first line, as it's not directly related to the conflict or goal. It's sort of random information. Rewording it to be directly related to your protagonist would tighten this up.
Hope this helps! :)
I don't think you have to let go of the music theme, but you should tone it down. Drop the first line and the whole sound track thing. Start with your main character.ReplyDelete
17-year-old Natalie's life is as depressing as her favorite MP3 playback list. But when she meets an unavailable and outgoing Beatles fanatic, her heart starts crooning love tunes, forcing her to confront her introverted ways before he walks away.
The last line is still a little long, but I think you get the point. Your music theme is still there, just toned down.
I like Janice's suggested revision--it keeps the essence of the music theme but really tightens things up. Maybe you could keep something close to that but work in her severe shyness in the first sentence as well. Good luck!ReplyDelete
I like Janice's revision as well. One thought can to mind per Tara's suggestion.ReplyDelete
17-year-old Natalie's muted life is as her favorite MP3 playback list.
Just an idea? Good luck!
Thanks everyone! This logline is giving me trouble.:)ReplyDelete
Okay, not sure if anyone else is going to check this, but I made some changes to my logline and would love some feedback. Thanks!ReplyDelete
Due to a severe dose of shyness, 17-year-old Natalie's life is as depressing as her favorite MP3 playback list. But a trip to England changes everything when she lets down her guard and meets an unavailable and outgoing Beatles fanatic who has her singing a new tune, forcing her to confront her shyness, or remain alone forever.