August. Again.
As always, life has been… Overwhelming. Between being a
mother, running a business and trying to launch a professional writing career,
time is limited. Sometimes I wish there was a way to buy extra hours, just so I
could get that much more done in a day.
My last remaining grandparent, my Nana Mary, passed away at
the end of June. It was surprising, only because of how quickly we lost her.
Growing up, if you’re lucky enough to have your grandparents around, you tend
to take them for granted. As you grow older, more aware of how precious the
people in your life are, you begin to forget. Forget that the older you become,
the closer you are to saying goodbye to someone you always assumed would be
there. I can’t really express how much I appreciated having both my
grandmothers for as long as I did. What I can express is how sad and hollow
part of my heart feels knowing that they’re gone. I’ll never get to share
milestones and create memories with them again, feel the warmth of their
embrace. I cherish what memories I do have, though, especially those in which
they were made with my children. I’ll miss their laughs, their smiles and
joyous personalities. Most of all, I’ll miss their unconditional love and their
stories. Both my Nanas were a part of a generation that is now almost extinct.
Stories from their time will now only be shared through somewhat impersonal
channels, like books and retellings. That makes me sadder. Their generation had
a way with stories and words that is hard to replicate.
Writing-wise, I’ve been heavily focused on another manuscript, trying to get it ready for my editor and eventually submission. I’ve come to terms that it’s not the right time for “Source”, as the market is saturated by paranormal/urban fantasy and querying it during that kind of saturation doesn’t give it a fair chance. But, a writing friend of mine encouraged me to at least sub it to some publishers who accept submissions, for indy authors. So I have. The wait time on response is six months (yikes), so it’ll most likely be some time before I have any sort of update on it. Not getting my hopes up, for obvious reasons, but in order to make progress, I have to at least try, right?
While I’m not mothering, working on my writing/focal ms and the
online boutique, I’ve picked up my guitars again. I have SO MISSED PLAYING. I’m
not very good, but I love strumming along, trying to learn all the different
chords. It brings me such happiness. Like, euphoria. So has just listening to the music that ignites my passion. With all the drama my life has dealt
with the past five years, the sadness and loss and struggle, it’s awesome to be
back in a familiar place of comfort with writing and music. Cathartic, even.
When I’m on creative mode, it’s the closest I get to serenity and complete
happiness. That’s not something I ever expected to feel again. And those
feelings lead me to a more positive way of thinking about the future.
It’s taken a long time, but I WILL get there. Through it all, I haven’t given up. That has to count for something.
Anyway, I’ve been quieting looking (more like lurking) for
new critique partners, as mine have decided to go different ways. Which with
any luck, I’ll find people who get me and my insecurities. I always worry I’ll
do or say something wrong and scare them off haha. Or that I won’t quite get
what they’re telling me and fear I’ll look foolish or amateurish and feel like
an idiot. Sigh. I’m also REALLY trying to get out from behind the screen.
Though I am confident online, the idea of going places and meeting/seeing
people is terrifying for me. I have terrible social anxiety and I’ve let it
make me more reclusive in nature. I’ve become awkward in encounters, simply
because I spend the majority of my time with two small children and don’t have
a lot of interaction with other adults face-to-face. And if I’m going to
brutally honest (aren’t I always?) the fact that I haven’t really progressed
professionally makes me feel like a bit of a failure, which then makes me feel inadequate
to mingle with other writers. Which leads to even more negativity and self-deprecation.
Crippling fear of rejection due to inferiority.
Trust me, I am trying to change. Note the positivity
mentioned above.
I know I mentioned in past posts that I’d like to get back
into hosting critique rounds. Since it’s summer and it tends to be “dead”, I
figure we can try one out come the fall when life gets off summer vacation for
everyone.
I hope everyone is well and that your writing is progressing
and fulfilling you and your dreams. I’d love updates, so feel free to post a
note in the comments, send me an email or a tweet.
See ya soon. <3
