Title: Bloodlines - The Hourglass Bridge
Genre: YA Historical Fantasy
#17 http://misssnarksfirstvictim.blogspot.com/2011/10/logline-critique-round-3-17.html
When an ancient ritual drags Diamond into a hidden, magical civilization in the 16th century, she quickly realizes there's more to worry about than how much school she's missing. Her ancestors hold the powers which protect their city and an immortal witch threatens to destroy them for it, forcing Diamond to fight for her bloodline's survival or risk being eradicated from history itself.
I have to say I liked your original better. O-o
ReplyDeleteI think if you combine them you'll have gold.
When an ancient ritual hauls Diamond out of her history books and into a hidden magical civilization in the 16th century, she meets her ancestors and the immortal witch who threatens them. She must (fill in the blank) before her entire bloodline is destroyed and she erased from history.
Good luck!
Yeah I got some great feedback last time and I worried that this isn't really an improvement. I'd live to know what the majority think!
ReplyDeleteThis version is a little confusing. I didn't see the original. I like Janice's simple form.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't bother with the missing school. It sounds like such small potatoes next to the new stakes.
I want to read more!
ReplyDeleteWith that said, ditto on Heather and Janice's comments. I think a combination of the two would be perfect.
Hope this helps! Good luck! :)