Thursday, October 27, 2011

October Logline #9

Title: Tripplehorn Parker, Hesitant Heroine Extraordinaire
Genre: Upper MG Adventure

Previous logline link:

12-year-old adventure-phobe Tripplehorn Parker opens a secret message the night before traveling to the Ugandan bush, and it urges her to protect an ancient idol by hiding it forever. With her researcher parents distracted by wildlife, she’ll have to nix nerves (and embrace her inner heroine) to find the destiny-controlling treasure and outwit a herd of bad guys who will kill to exploit it.


  1. This is nit-picky, but I wonder if you get better flow like this: "The night before traveling to the Ugandan bush, 12-year-old adventure-phobe Tripplehorn Parker opens a secret message urging her to protect ..." I also wonder when I read this, how the treasure controls destiny. And whose destiny? Hers? Or someone else's? Also a flow thing, but I think "nix HER nerves" flows better than just nix nerves. And like I said - nit-picky. I think it's strong to begin with!

  2. Nice! Just nits here. I'd like something more specific than "hiding it forever." I hope you have room for something like: dropping down a mine shaft and blowing up the entrance (obviously, I have no idea).

    The only thing missing (and is something I also struggle with to state in so few words) is: what is her motivation to to do this thing?

  3. Fantastic improvement!

    I like JoyMC's suggestion for rephrasing the first sentence. If you want to keep it closer to as is I'd change "...bush, and it urges her..." to "...bush, urging her..."

    In response to Heather above, perhaps the MC's motivation is her adventure-seeking nature, and this whole trip/conflict/adventure begins with a thrill, but backfires into more than she thinks she can handle, and then she must... Something to that effect.

    Great work with this logline!

  4. I think the above comments are on point and this is a great premise. My only question would be about bad guys. Do they have a name? If so, and it screams bad buys, maybe using it.

  5. I got thrown a little 'cause you mentioned an idol, then started talking about a treasure. Same thing, I'm thinking, but you might want to stick with one term for clarity :)

    Also, what are the personal stakes for Sophie?

  6. I agree to make the first line start with The night before... Also I agree with the above comment: what are the stakes if she fails, and what is the motivation for her to try? It's a great improvement though - it just sounds better this time : )