TITLE: Dream Weaver
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi
Snow white sand between my toes. Emerald waters as far as the eye can see. Sun beating down on my face. The warm ocean breeze blowing my hair. This is home. Not the orphanage I’ve lived at for the past seventeen years. Nothing can ruin this.
“Oh look, someone let the Fins out to play,” Poppy Robinson snickers as she and her cronies pass by my towel.
I keep my focus trained on the waves lapping along the shore, staring straight through them as her friends join in her laughter.
I still remember the first time I heard the oh-so-clever nickname created by the students of Destiny Way.
“Who is that?” a girl asked.
“Oh, no one. She’s just a Fin,” replied a second.
“Yeah, from Emerald Coast Home for Orphans, or-Fin. Get it?”
I still hear their cackles ringing in my ears.
“Let’s go Megan,” Mrs. Garver, the house mother at ECHO, calls to me. “Everyone else is on the bus.”
As I stand to brush the sand off my legs, I scan the beach around me. Caught up in my own world once again, I didn't even notice the others were gone. We couldn't have been out here for more than an hour; I’m not even pink from the sun. It sucks that our trips to the beach are only once a month. Never enough time.
I sulk the entire ride home, during dinner, and my nightly routine. Not only is today the last beach day of the year, tomorrow is orientation day at Destiny Way.
You're well on your way to building an emotional connection to the character, and that's what makes people read on in any story. It could be heightened if something really bad happened to the character or if she reminisced about something really bad, because there's not much conflict going on. But I feel bad enough for this person that I want to read on to see their happy ending : )ReplyDelete
I think you could drop the bully. Let her come in later when she's in school. I've heard that openings with bullies is very common. But this scene would work without her. Show why she feels at home with the ocean. Let a bit of the sci-fi slip in - just a taste of what's to come.ReplyDelete
I like the concept of this story, but I'm confused. Megan left the orphanage after seventeen years, and now lives in ECHO, I'm not sure what that is. There's a house mother. They go to the beach once a month, where the girls from Destiny Way make fun of the orphanage kids. Tomorrow Megan will be attending the orientation to Destiny Way. Too many unanswered questions. Did Megan get adopted? Is ECHO where orphaned kids go after they are too old for the orphanage? Why do they only go to the beach once a month? I'm not understanding enough. I really think you can add minor details that will help understand Megan more. We know where she came from. Tell us how she got to where she is. And why is going going to Destiny Way? Is Destiny Way a college? The girls sound immature for college? Megan is 17 or 18 years old, right? Good luck!ReplyDelete
Well ECHO is the orphanage as far as I read. I guess the thing is that this is just the first 250 words, so having some questions is likely. I'm intrigued as to why she's going to orientation the next day. And I feel bad for her, since the girls there seem kinda bratty. You made me get a good sense of your character and her situation, enough for me want to read on. Good job!ReplyDelete
I just figured out ECHO is Emerald Coast Home for Orphans. I sensed Megan was no longer living in ECHO from your opening. You might change lived at to lives at - since she is still with the group for one last time on the beach. Hope this helps.ReplyDelete
I really liked this. I would read more based on just this 250 alone, but my concern is 250 words isn't a lot to tell the opening of a story with. Agents and editors are looking for a pop. Action or conflict. The inciting incident. I would recommend you take a good look at your first fifty pages and find the best start for your story. My guess is it comes after this. Good luck!ReplyDelete
I'm really drawn to your style of writing: beautiful and lyrical, which reflects your MC's character. I agree with the others that it's your character alone that's making me want to turn the page, but there needs to be more conflict: a taste of the inciting incident, meeting a pivotal character, the introduction of something paranormal, etc.ReplyDelete
Because they call her a Fin and she's drawn to the ocean, I'm guessing there's some kind of mermaid-ish paranormalcy in the works here. If the paranormalcy has nothing to do with water, I'd change the spelling of the nickname.
I think it's really important in fantasy/paranormal novels that you give the reader a taste of the element of fantasy on page one as a promise of what's to come.
This is a book I would read. Good luck!