TITLE: Be Careful What You Wish For
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Seventy year old Viv finally meets her perfect man on a cruise. A genie sends her back in time fifty years to meet him in his prime except, while she remembers him, he doesn't remember her.
There needs some kind of segue between the first line and the second. The genie was a bit of a shock. What is Viv's goal? I assume getting the man to remember her, but is there more? Does she have to fight to stay in the past? Will they only be able to reunite as lovers after decades apart? And what are the consequences if she fails her goal?ReplyDelete
I like the twist of starting with the characters old and going back.
Aw. I want to read this!ReplyDelete
I hope you camped it up with the whole genie thing. That could be really funny.
I would axe "except" and replace it with "but" because I had to reread that sentence to get it. Something about prime and except being together is confusing. I'm not sure why...
I also really like this twist of starting out with the characters in their senior years!ReplyDelete
I think that this would work better if you gave us a bigger hint in the first sentence that Viv would like to go back in time. Very roughly, maybe something like "When 70-year-old Viv finally meets her perfect man on a cruise, [something about how she wishes she could go back in time]. But when a genie shows up and grants this wish, [complications]."
You have a great start--good luck!
I agree with the above comment about replacing "except" with "but." I think this sounds adorable~ sort of a paranormal version of The Notebook (you know, with all those flashbacks in The Notebook). Best of luck with this!ReplyDelete
Why does she expect he will remember her in the past? I agree with the suggestions above to transition your sentences and not forget about what's at stake or what the consequences are. This time-travel, genie story sounds like it could be hilarious, though! Good luck!ReplyDelete
I like the concept, yet I would like to know why the Genie thinks she needs to meet this man in his prime? Something missing? What is her goal? To meet him? What if she doesn't? What are the consequences? Are there obstacles? Internal conflict? Love the Genie, and agree that the story could be hilarious. Good luck!ReplyDelete
What's at stake for her? Is she stuck in the past? I like the premise, the genie and the trip to the past. I'd like to see some tension in the story, e.g. She has two days establish the relationship or . . .ReplyDelete
This is awesome! :D Great job. I would suggest some sort of transition between the two sentences, though. Otherwise, well done. Good luck!ReplyDelete
I love the premise!ReplyDelete
I agree with what everyone above said; there needs to be a connection between the first and second sentence. We need to know how the genie came into the picture, and what the consequence is. A little tension to ratch it up a bit would be great!
I hope this helps. Good luck! :)
The first sentence and the second sentence do not really connect with each other. I really like the concept though! I think starting off with the Genie might make a little bit more sense and then bring up how she is sent 50 years in the past to see that dream man again. I wonder, will she also see herself in the past as well? I wonder!!ReplyDelete