Thursday, October 27, 2011

October Logline #13

TITLE: The Rowaness of Shalott
GENRE: YA Fantasy

With her life force tied to a rowan tree, an immortal girl cannot experience the sensation of touch until it is awakened by the young knight Lancelot, who then gives her the name of his unrequited love, Guinevere. But their forbidden romance threatens to expose the secret protecting Guinevere’s female race, the Rowaness. She must sacrifice her capacity to feel, and her growing love, otherwise the bond to her rowan tree is forfeit, along with her life.


  1. I like some of the elements at play here, but I'm confused by a lot of this. I had to read several times to know what the "it" refers to in the first sentence. I don't understand this at all: "protecting Guinivere's female race, the Rowaness." What is the Rowaness?

  2. I think the confusion comes with the long sentences. I've read a few different versions of this so I think I get what you're trying to say.

    When an immortal girl is awakened by Lancelot, their forbidden love threatens to expose the secret that protects her race. She must sacrifice her new capacity to feel, and her growing love, otherwise her life will forfeit.

    I cut too much. I think you could find a happy medium somewhere between mine and yours.

    I thought, from your other log lines, that Guinevere was the one who married Arthur. If she isn't, I think you can leave the name out to avoid confusion. Good luck!

  3. I don't have any suggestions, other than the ones suggested above. I feel like I understand what you're trying to say here, and wasn't confused about the concept. Just wanted to let you know that.

  4. The above example is good, tweak it to fit you and your story. The thing that tripped me up was it sounded like there are three people listed instead of two. If that's true, awesome job. If not, the second comment helps clarify it. Interesting take on the story.

  5. ...she sounds like a dryad. Is this correct? If so, you could just use that word and cut out most of your first line.

    I was a little confused by the last line... it sounds like her bond to the tree is different from her potentially dying. Is this the case? If so, what is the consequence of forfeiting her bond to the tree?

  6. I'm... a bit confused? I agree with the others. I can definitely see where you're coming from, but I want to know more about the why. Why is this romance forbidden? Why will this expose her race? Why is she a Rowaness--what is a Rowaness? Kinda like a dryad, like 1000th.monkey said? I think you can cut some of this and just stick to the main conflict, which to me sounds like a forbidden love that threatens to expose her race, am I right? If so, I'd suggest cutting the other things that don't matter as much.

    Good luck! :)

  7. -who is the immortal girl? Tell us her name.
    -you first mention this immortal girl, then mention Lancelot and Guinevere. I was confused by the switch between names, and pronouns like their and she. I know the story of Lancelot and Guinevere so I could figure it out. Maybe I'm dense, but clarity with names and pronouns is something I see a lot of problems with. I think you could do a lot by starting out with "With her life force tied to a rowan tree, the immortal girl has no sense of touch..." Then after you throw in Guinevere and Lancelot, use her name instead of "her"
    -good job with the elements of a logline (protagonist, conflict, etc)