Monday, October 17, 2011

Logline #26

Title: Terra Incognita
Genre: Fantasy

When Haylee Wells is attacked by a pale creature and transported to a future she barely recognizes – where these creatures reign and humans are their prey – she must realize the growing power within herself.  If she fails to do so, she faces consequences much worse than never returning home – she risks becoming a slave to the “Pale Ones.”


  1. This is good, but need some tweaks.

    "pale creature" sounds...pallid. Weak. It works at the end of the logline, but not the beginning. Some other scary descriptor?

    How can the mc barely recognize the future? Unless she's been there before. Use some cool adjective with "future"

    I'd love some sense of the connection as to why she was chosen to be transported and her mysterious power. Don't be coy! Tell us what it is.

    Haylee must have a better goal than "realize the growing power" - she's got to DO something. What is it?

    Tidy up the end. "If she fails to (her awesome goal) she will become a slave to the Pale Ones, forced to do their nefarious tasks (whatever they are)

    Sounds fun!

  2. I think that this is much improved over the original version. My only real hangup is the word "realize"--I'm not sure exactly what that's supposed to mean. That she's supposed to accept her growing power? Harness it? Is she the only one who can defeat the Pale Ones? I think that a more specific verb (or two) would serve you well there.

    Good luck!

  3. Ooh, this sounds like a good read!

    Has she been to the future before? If not, you may want to consider changing it to "an unfamiliar future" or something like that.

    What, specifically, is this power, and how does it work toward the conflict and goal? Maybe the word "realize" could be swapped with something like "embrace" or "acknowledge".

    Hope this helps. Good luck! :)

  4. Thanks so much for the comments, everyone! You've been very helpful! And thank you so very much, K.T., for doing this for us! It is so greatly appreciated!