Title: Graceful Death
Genre: YA Paranormal
One puff of a joint traps fifteen-year-old Grace into a life of servitude. Tricked into donning Death’s hoodie for an ancient Underworld demon was bad enough, but each soul Grace reaps draws a centuries old war closer to her world. Living a double life in two dimensions, skirting dangerous demons, and living by rules she doesn’t understand, Grace struggles to uncover who she is and keep her loved ones from becoming Underworld casualties.
I stumbled over the first line, having to go back and reread a couple of times before I understood the Eve-like choice. Perhaps you can lead with the second sentence. You lose nothing by deleting the first. And I like the hoodie thing so much - great voice you don't want buried.ReplyDelete
"draws a centuries old war closer to her world." is a little awkward - can you state this more simply?
When you say she's living in two dimensions, I immediately think A Wrinkle in Time where the characters get flat. Suggest reword.
Think about her goal. Is it really to discover who she is? Is there an external goal - something she must DO?
Is becoming an underworld casualty mean dying, or something else?
You did a great job reworking the line about death's hoodie. I think that's your best opening (I agree with Heather that you can lose that first sentence and not lose a thing with the rest of the logline). I think the last sentence is 90% there. I do wonder about why she "struggles to uncover who she is." Has she forgotten? If so, does she know who her loved ones even are? I think you need something more concrete to follow "Grace struggles..."ReplyDelete
I'd change "was" in the second sentence to "is" because I'm assuming your book doesn't begin with this premise.ReplyDelete
I want to know why Grace must obey and take souls when the consequences are so dire. What will happen if she quits vs. if she doesn't quit? What is Grace going to do about it?
Why doesn't Grace know who she is (as you allude to in the last sentence)? Perhaps you can omit mention of this as you probably don't have enough words to support it.
I'd begin the last sentence with "Grace" or "As Grace..." It doesn't flow well and is a bit confusing starting with a verb here. I think that whole last sentence can be reworked/simplified into what Grace is going to do about her predicament. What you have, the dilemma with taking souls, is a strong enough conflict to stand alone without the additional problems you mention in the last sentence.
I am super interested in your premise and can tell you've put a ton of work into your logline. The key now is simplifying it and trusting that your core conflict is enough (which it is!). Best of luck!!!
I would love to read this!ReplyDelete
First, love the hoodie, clever and age-appropriate language for this logline. I agree with the others, though. I think the second line is a much stronger start and would really draw in a reader.
I also wonder about the wording "struggle to uncover who she is". Why doesn't she know? If somehow she lost her identity as part of the change over to a reaper, that needs to be specified.
Love your premise.
Hope this helps. Good luck! :)