TITLE: SEREN'S ANGEL
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Emma’s psychic abilities lead her to James, her soul mate. However, he has another soul spirit inside him and it needs to be freed. The fate of this soul’s existence rests in their hands. To free it is the ultimate act, and Emma doesn’t like it one bit – James will have to die.
I want more specifics here, to ground me in what makes your story stand out from the rest of the YA paranormals. Why does the soul spirit inside James need to be freed? And who is Emma, apart from psychic?ReplyDelete
And how do her abilities lead her to James? That's something I was curious about. Any way to add in a quick detail about their meeting?ReplyDelete
I do like the last sentence.:) It left me very intrigued.:)
It would really increase the stakes if we knew why the spirit inside James is more important that James himself (beyond the fact that to free is the ultimate act). If we knew that Emma was grappling between two truly worthy souls, that would make it gripping. Sounds like a great story!ReplyDelete
Emma’s psychic abilities lead to her soul mate, a rock-n-roller named James but she soon learns he’s carrying another soul-spirit, Seren, inside him. James' depraved lifestyle is torturing Seren who must be freed or he will disappear forever. The fate of Seren’s soul rests in both Emma and James’ hands. To free it is the ultimate act, and Emma doesn’t like it one bit – James will have to die.ReplyDelete
Does this sound better? Thank you for critting? :-)
I wouldn't say James is Emma's "soul mate." That's too confusing with the other mention of souls in this logline.ReplyDelete
Can you fudge this a little and not call the extra being inside of James just a soul or a spirit, and not "soul-spirit." That seems a bit redundant and confusing.
In your revision in the comments, I'd use a stronger term than "disappear forever," which doesn't sound very dire as I'm not sure if Seren is "dead" or not. Keep the stakes high.
I want to know why Seren is just as important or more important than James. Why would Emma consider freeing him over keeping her love alive?
Very cool idea!
I also don't have a good idea of why Seren is more important than James (especially if you MC considers James her soul-mate), or why James would ever agree to die to save Seren (you say it's in both E & J's hands), especially if he is living such a depraved lifestyle.ReplyDelete
Just to simplify, you might want to cut Seren's name out, since I had to re-read a couple times to clarify which was which.
Now here is definitely an interesting concept with high stakes! I'm hooked. But, like the others said, I suggest more specifics. I want to know why this is important. I mean, yeah, sure, it's sad that James will have to die, but why does that matter so much that it deserves to be written in a novel?ReplyDelete
Good luck! :)