Here Comes the Sun
Due to a severe dose of shyness, 17-year-old Natalie's life is as depressing as her favorite MP3 playback list. But a senior trip to England changes everything when she opens up to a kaleidoscope-eyed Beatles fanatic who has her heart crooning love tunes, forcing her to confront the dark event that left her friendless in hopes of starting fresh with her musical soul mate.
I like this a lot. My only comment is that I think you can break the second sentence into two. And I *might* want a hint of insight into the dark event, but it might be okay as is.ReplyDelete
I think you got it! I'd remove kaleidoscope-eyed, though. It just sounds strange, but that could just be me.ReplyDelete
Wow, what a difference! This makes much more sense. I like kaleidoscope-eyed. But I do wonder what the stakes are and if you could fit that into your 2nd sentence.ReplyDelete
Good luck! This sounds like a really cool story!
I agree with Joy. All the info here is awesome, but I would suggest breaking up sentence two (either by adding some of it to sentence one, or finding a way to condense it). Best of luck!ReplyDelete
I like kaleidoscope-eyed as well, as it's a direct reference to a line from a Beatles' song.ReplyDelete
I do agree the last sentence needs to be two.
Love your voice and your story!
If you could throw in a little of the consequences if she fails, that would make this perfect!
Sounds like an awesome read. I too, would break up sentence two. Also, I'd like a small hint at what happened to her, just to get into the story more.ReplyDelete
I agree with Mandie.ReplyDelete
Because you start out with 'severe dose of shyness', that phrase makes me think she's shy by nature, but then the last line hints that there was something that changed her... if she became shy due to this dark incident, then I think you shouldn't phrase the beginning like she's always been like that.