Title: Dying Is Not An Option
Genre: Crime Fiction
Round 3, Logline #18
Santa Barbara Police Officer Claire Hartman relies on control, courage and an unwavering will to survive to get through her shift—bonus points if she gets to draw on her sardonic wit instead of her sidearm, but when she becomes the target of a vengeful gang member, Claire wrestles with who to trust while she hunts the man who has sworn to kill her.
You might want to split this into two sentences (ending the first with "her sidearm"). The question I have with the second sentence is it implies that she can't trust her fellow police (that's what I take from it, at least), but that element isn't brought up before. I do recall this from the earlier version posted on MSNV, but I think it needs to be spelled out more clearly. For purposes of the logline, maybe you want to focus on what is more compelling - the fact that she's being hunted by a gang member, or the fact that she can't trust the other officers? The first sentence is fine, but I think I liked the rhythm of the previous version.ReplyDelete
I'd read this!ReplyDelete
I think this needs to be broken up a bit, it's too long of a sentence.
I'd also consider changing the wording here: "bonus points if she gets to draw on her sardonic wit instead of her sidearm". I'm not sure why, but it draws me out of the logline. Maybe something like "Santa Barbara Police Officer Claire Hartman relies on control, courage and an unwavering will to survive to get through her shift most days, her sardonic wit a better draw than her sidearm."
Hope this helps! Good luck. :)