TITLE: Left & Right
After a motorcycle accident kills his older sister, ten-year-old Alexander wakes up in the hospital with a hole in his memory and a missing voice. What he’s gained are two invisible friends who have no idea who they are or where they came from. Though Alexander truly wants to help, after losing his sister and his voice, he's terrified that he’ll lose his new friends too.
This is really well written. I had to read it a couple of times before I realized what was missing: a goal and consequences. I suspect the goal is to send his friends back where they came from, although that will cost him (a nice twist). But the costing him is the conflict, not the consequences.ReplyDelete
I don't know if this is right, but it needs something along the lines of: Alexander struggles to overcome his fear of being alone again so he can send his friends back to...wherever...if he fails....
I agree with Heather about needing a goal and consequences. Otherwise, this sounds heartbreaking (in a good way). Good luck!ReplyDelete
I would read this, but agree with Heather that there needs to be a consequence. Great job so far. Good Luck!ReplyDelete
What a fabulous idea for a story! In addition to the comments above, the only thing I'd say this logline is missing is more twelve-year-old voice. You've done a good job with making sure all these words aren't too sophisticated for a twelve-year-old to day, but there's also nothing that jumps off the page as something a twelve-year-old would say, if that makes sense.ReplyDelete
I like what Kathryn said, we need more voice from him. As is it draws you in but a few little tweaks could make you feel more. Sounds very heartbreaking.ReplyDelete
Is this better?ReplyDelete
After a motorcycle accident kills his older sister, ten-year-old Alexander wakes up in the hospital with a hole in his memory and a missing voice. What he’s gained are two invisible friends who have no idea who they are or where they came from. If Alexander can solve the mystery of Seth and Mari, he might also regain his voice and memories, but if he does, he might lose his new friends, just like he lost his sister.
Argh, sorry, that last line should be:ReplyDelete
...but if he does, he'll lose his new friends, just like he lost his sister.