Title: SO YOU DON'T WANT TO BE AN EVIL SORCERESS
Genre: YA Fantasy
Mysty dreams of dating high school basketball star Eric Gallante; instead, she accidentally turns him into a frog. Her kiss could make his amphibious problem permanent so she has to find someone with a pure heart – who he hopefully won’t like too much – to kiss him before she is lured into fairy tale land and punished for her crime.
A little confused as to why Eric's frog problem is the worry of fairy tale land. How are the two associated? And how can Mysty be 'lured' if she knows she's going to be punished once she gets there?
Also - whom he hopefully won't like too much - assuming your 'who' is singular.
My only nit is "lured" - it needs something stronger. Maybe dragged or imprisoned.
Great concept! Here's a little light editing, "unless" instead of "so," etc. Also, try to eliminate ; when you can. It's an awkward bit of punctuation.ReplyDelete
Mysty dreams of dating high school basketball star Eric Gallante... instead, she accidentally turns him into a frog. Her kiss could make his amphibious problem permanent unless she finds someone with a pure heart – who he hopefully won’t like too much – to kiss him before she is lured into fairy tale land and punished for her crime.
This sounds like a really fun read!ReplyDelete
I would consider changing the word "lured". It insinuates a draw, desire to go there, when in fact if she does go there, she'll be punished--from the sounds of it, I don't think she wants that.
I like the suggested revision Anonymous posted.
Hope this helps! Good luck. :)
This sounds like a lot of fun and a great read. I'd like to know how she turned him into a frog - if it's because she has some special powers or has discovered a spell/something she can't control, then it sets up for a more epic struggle. Also it sounds like she'll be lured into fairy tale land, punished and then let go - perhaps something with less of an end in sight, e.g '...before she is dragged into FTLand and imprisoned for her crime.'ReplyDelete
Katherine Amabel (Google's making me comment as anonymous)