Genre: YA Historical Fantasy
Previous post: #38
Revised logline: Sophie accidentally travels backward in time to 1895 Paris, and must find a way home or risk changing the future when she is mistaken for a missing girl, and falls for the Jewish activist meant for the girl’s sister.
I think this is definitely improved, I just had one small comment. I don't know that it's important we know that the activist is meant for the girl's sister. It seems to complicate the sentence. We know the MC is mistaken for a girl, so referencing the girl's sister is almost like introducing another character (if that makes sense). All we need to know is he's meant for someone else.ReplyDelete
This sounds like a fascinating story, but I got confused with all the people.ReplyDelete
What does "meant for the girl's sister" mean? They're supposed to get married? Why would she be mistaken for the missing girl?
"Accidentally" is vague
ie When (something epic happens), Sophie is thrown back to 1895 Paris. She falls for a Jewish activist fighting for (something epic she believes in), but if she never goes home, the future will change, for the worse (something more specific).
This is a lot better. I think you could split the sentence in half for clarity but that's my only suggestion.ReplyDelete
I like the changes as well. Another good read in the making!ReplyDelete
Maybe breaking it up into a couple of sentences may flow better. Something like this, maybe:
Sophie accidentally travels backward in time to 1895 Paris, and must find a way home. When she is mistaken for a missing girl, she risks changing the future after falling for the Jewish activist meant for the missing girl’s sister.
I hope this helps. Good luck! :)
Thanks for the comments! And thanks, KT, for this awesome opportunity!ReplyDelete