Revision from Round 3 Logline (Miss Snark's First Victim) #25
When the coroner rules her beloved twin brother murdered his family, then committed suicide, Charlotte Reynolds (Charlie) moves in her brother's pre-civil war home, vowing to stay until she proves his innocence. But when she calls to report nocturnal visitations by an unseen intruder, the police dismiss her as a drunken whack job just like her brother, leaving Charlie alone to confront the terrifying possibility the unseen intruder may be real.
This sounds interesting. I like a good ghost story.ReplyDelete
There is a typo, I believe, in the first sentence. Perhaps "moves in her" should be "moves into her".
I would enjoy a bit more about how the ghost and the murder mystery tie together.
Your word choices are nicely evocative especially "pre-civil war", "whack job", "nocturnal", and "intruder" rather than merely ghost or whathaveyou.
in my humble opinion:ReplyDelete
a) Good job! Chilling...
b) "When the coroner rules her beloved twin brother murdered his family, then committed suicide, Charlotte..." is somewhat disjointed and the flow, confusing. Grammatically, I would say something like "When the coroner rules that Charlotte (Charlie) Reynolds' beloved twin brother murdered his family then committed suicide, Charlie moves into her late brother's pre-civil war home...."
c)Also, "...the terrifying possibility the unseen intruder may be real." Add a "that" between "possibility" and "the".
d)lastly, it's a bit sticky starting out talking about "the coroner", because later in the sentence, you have to specify that it is her brother's pre-civil war home and not the coroner's. Saying "her brother's" again sounds a bit redundant, though. I don't know enough of the book to make cogent suggestions, though.
I like this. It's something I would read.ReplyDelete
I think you may want to add "that" in between "possiblity" and "the" in the last sentence, so that it would read: But when she calls to report nocturnal visitations by an unseen intruder, the police dismiss her as a drunken whack job just like her brother, leaving Charlie alone to confront the terrifying possibility that the unseen intruder may be real.
Also maybe switch out the second (or first) unseen with another word? For some reason I keep getting stuck on that word being repeated.
Good luck! :)
I love the last sentence. But there's something about the first sentence that bothers me. I think it just contains more information than we need. When her twin's death is chalked up to a murder-suicide, Charlie moves to his home, determined to stay until she proves his innocence. That's not perfect, but it omits some of the details we don't need (like the age of the house, for example - plenty of spooky houses out there not more than a few decades old). This is definitely the sort of book I would love to read. Good luck!ReplyDelete
I would buy this book. Great job.ReplyDelete
I personally don't like the use of 'whack job' but maybe I'm too much of a prude. :)
You've got great tension in these few lines. I'd just avoid starting both your sentences with "when" and "but when."ReplyDelete
The comments above already say what I had to say, so I don't have much to add except that I love this premise. Your logline is much tighter this time around, and I know with a few tweaks, it'll be great! Good luck!ReplyDelete
The first sentence tripped me up, leaving me confused. The "nocturnal visitations" line reads too forced for me. Maybe amp up the tension. A little more work and this will be ready to go. Good job.ReplyDelete