Title: Tripplehorn Parker, Hesitant Heroine Extraordinaire
Genre: Upper MG Adventure
Previous logline link: http://misssnarksfirstvictim.blogspot.com/2011/10/logline-critique-round-3-37.htmlRevised
The night before leaving for the Ugandan bush, adventure-phobic 12-year-old Tripplehorn Parker is horrified to receive a secret message urging her to protect an ancient idol by hiding it forever. But with her researcher parents distracted by African wildlife, and with the world’s destiny at stake, she’ll have to use smarts and nerve to find the powerful object and outwit a herd of bad guys who will kill to exploit it.
I like your MC's name and your premise. The idol gives my brain something to hold on to and the setting is clear with the use of "Ugandan bush".ReplyDelete
You could cut some words here and there. For example: The second "with" in sentence two could go along with the comma just before it. Also "to use smarts and nerve" can go because you use "outwit" later which tells me the same thing.
I think that you've made some great revisions here! I have a couple of suggestions that might help tighten things up. In the second sentence, you can probably drop the word "African." In the first, for some reason, I think that "12-year-old adventure-phobe Tripplehorn Parker" would sound better than "adventure-phobic 12-year-old Tripplehorn Parker." And I'm not sure you need "is horrified"--maybe she can just receive the message? There are just a lot of verbs in that sentence.ReplyDelete
Otherwise, I think this is looking really good! Good luck!
This sounds like an interesting read!ReplyDelete
I agree with Tara, I think that rearranging the wording would flow better.
I would also remove "But" from the start of the second sentence.
The word "herd" makes me think of animals, so you may reconsider changing that as well.
Hope this helps. Good luck! :)
Oh, I think this reads much better than before. Good job!ReplyDelete
I love all your details here except the vague and cliche-ridden "world's destiny at stake." Isn't the world's destiny always at stake in adventure novels? Can you find another, more specific way to say that things are going to be really, really bad? Otherwise, I like.ReplyDelete