TITLE: Dream Weaver
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi
Previous Entry: http://crowleykt.blogspot.com/2011/10/logline-23.html
When Megan has her first dream at seventeen, she doesn't realize her dreams are special; they become reality. Against her better judgment, she teams up with her new classmate Mason, a Waker who's been sent to help. To save herself and other like her, she must learn to trust what he’s saying, because the faceless people from her dreams are real and will do anything—even kill—to harness the power of her dreams.
I think you can combine your first two sentences.ReplyDelete
When 17 yr old Megan realizes her dreams become reality, she teams up with her new classmate, Mason who's been sent to help.
(or something like that.) This will help to shorten it. The last line is good.
The first sentence contains some backstory that could be edited out. We don't really need to know she initially didn't believe it.ReplyDelete
Is there a name for her special dreams?
ie When seventeen-year-old Megan has her first True Dream, she discovers they make the future come true (I'm not sure about this - clarify) and the faceless people will stop at nothing to harness her powers.
If you say teaming up is against her better judgment, we need to know why. Perhaps this isn't critical enough to be included in the logline. And who sent Mason anyway? And you say she teams up, but not what she plans to do. Raising the fact he's her classmate brings up all sorts of unanswered questions (regular school, special school, etc.?). Does Mason even need to be mentioned in the logline?
Perhaps just goals and consequences next?
Megan must (goal more specific than just trusting, what does she DO) or she and all True Dreamers will become drones (or whatever, specifically) and other big consequence (is there a cost to society?)
I think it would be nice if you indicated in the genre whether this is a contemporary SF (advisable to use SF rather than sci-fi) or futuristic.
This is an exciting premise!
In addition to the excellent suggestions above, you don't need to say the dreams are real twice in this logline. You say they're a reality in the first sentence and that they're real in the last sentence.
It is too much information to say Mason is a Waker unless you explain what a Waker is (and I doubt you'd have room in a logline).
Interesting concept, but I feel like the events are in the wrong order...ReplyDelete
For example, since I don't know until the very end that there are people in her dreams ready to kill, her teaming up with Mason didn't really seem all that important. Also, I don't ever get a sense of what will happen if they don't succeed. Will everyone die? Be forced to kill other people? What kind of nefarious thing can her dream power be used for?
If you moved the points around, you could get a better sense of tension (I think):
Dreams = reality
Scary people in her dreams, so she team up with Mason to 'x'
If they don't succeed, she, and other people like her, will 'x'
How I received your logline:ReplyDelete
Her dreams are like premonitions. She had never had a dream before (real or fake) before turning 17. Mason gives her a reason not to trust him, but she needs to get past it. The faceless people can somehow use her dreams to enter reality themselves. Her life is in danger because of these people also.
I think it's pretty good. I read your previous one as well, and this is an improvement. I think you can remove that the faceless people are real--it's implied in the next part of the sentence. Small typo: you missed the s after other (I assume it's supposed to be others like her).
I'm still intrigued by your logline. I notice you've kept the 'first dream'in each one so it's abviously important, so building on the people who say to combine the first two lines, how about: When 17 year old Megan has her first dreams, and realises they are turning into reality, she teams up...ReplyDelete
This will get rid of one repetition of 'dream,' which I think would help improve the flow.