Thursday, October 27, 2011

October Logline #10

Genre: YA Historical Fantasy

During a summer exchange program in Paris, Sophie accidentally leaps backward in time to 1895. As the window home closes, Sophie must decide whether to unlock a mysterious heirloom’s secrets and return to her own life as a potential prima ballerina, or stay in the past to live someone else’s future with a man whose descendants would never be born.


  1. I really liked this. You definitely hooked me, in terms of the stakes. I think the only thing missing for me is a sense of who Sophie is. All I know is that she's a dancer. I think a smidge more to make me invest emotionally in Sophie would move this from really good to great.

  2. I really like the second sentence. I definitely don't want to be in Sophie's shoes.

    As for the first sentence, I don't know what about it didn't grab me. Maybe explain the circumstances that landed her back in time. Something quick just to set the reader up might help.

    Otherwise, great job. Sounds awesome!

  3. I really like this, too! I feel like the man's descendants being around in the future is a big part of the stakes, but because you don't tell us who the descendants are (a major political figure? someone she loves in the present? Sophie herself?) I don't feel as invested in that choice. I think you can really increase the stakes by revealing who the descendants are :) Best of luck!

  4. Jess had a great suggestion above about knowing more specifics about the descendents. I think this is a HUGE improvement over your other logline. I am really interested in your story! I'd love to read it one day.

    I'd say "secret" vs. "secrets," even if it's fudging the truth, just so it sounds smoother in the logline.

    I agree with the others about knowing just a smidgen more about the MC with the first sentence.

    Good luck!

    "...or stay in the past to live someone else’s future with a man whose descendants would never be born." Everything read crystal-clear for me until this line. I'd omit "someone else's future" for clarity; that's a confusing concept for a logline, that by being in the past she'd be living the future. Also, why would she want to stay with the man? Is he a love interest to her? I would love to know how she feels about this man and why she feels torn to leave him. What about: "...or stay in the past to live with the man she loves, knowing it would mean his future descendants--including (someone she knows)--would never be born."

  5. I wouldn't mind also knowing Sophie's age...

  6. Nice and clear. Is there an antagonist or something working against her, or is it just the choice between the two life paths? I tripped up at the "window home". ('A house made of glass?')

  7. To me the whole jumping back in time was a "What the heck" moment for me. I like it, but just don't get it and why. There isn't enough evidence for me to follow, BUT that would be the reason why I would pick up the book to find out. I like time travel stories so I'm intrigued to see what happens. I assume she is from the present?

  8. I agree with the others! This sounds interesting and definitely hooked me, but I would still be a bit hesitant to read on... because I don't really know who Sophie is. I get the stakes, but why is it important? Who are the descendants that should never have been born?

    Great job, and good luck! :)