Genre: YA Mystery
Taylor discovers adoption papers connecting one of two friends, who supposedly died in a car crash fourteen years ago, to a neighbor who wants to know who her child is. At the sake of solving the mystery, Taylor uses dishonest methods and uncovers a secret adoption. If she tells the truth she risks losing her friend, destroying a family, or ending up in Juvie Hall. Staying silent isn’t an option, but sometimes a secret can leak out.
Perfect mystery name, love it.ReplyDelete
a)is it possible to start with the bang? by that, I mean the friend(s) supposedly dying in a car crash. A car crash is a grabber.
b)you can't split "connecting one of two friends" from the prepositional phrase "to a neighbor" without totally throwing the reader off
c)If possible, don't bother complicating it by specifying that "one of two friends" supposedly died. It confuses things, the mysterious "second friend" doesn't seem to be important. Just something like "papers connecting a friend who supposedly died...."
d)I don't think "At the sake of" is correctly used here. I know what you mean but it threw me off. To trim it up, you could just say "To solve the mystery, Taylor..."
e)my 21-year old friend said "no one says 'Juvie Hall', anyway. You either say 'Juvie' or 'Juvenile Hall'"
Best of luck! May your full requests be many and imminent.
I like the title, too!ReplyDelete
A few crits: I'm not clear on why you're saying "one of two friends" instead of just "a friend." Who is this second friend, and why is she being mentioned here? I think it's overly complicating things.
I'm also not sure what "At the sake of solving the mystery" means. "At the sake of" is not a phrase I've ever heard before. I think you can simplify to just "To solve the mystery..." or something similar--but actually, I think you can drop that whole sentence. It ends with her uncovering a secret adoption, which is what I thought she did in the first sentence anyway.
This is better than your other one, I think. Just a few clarifications and cuts.ReplyDelete
Taylor discovers adoption papers that reveal her best friend's adoption was illegal but if she tells the truth she risks losing her friend, destroying a family, or ending up in Juvie Hall. She wants to stay silent but sometimes secrets leak.
I took out the death 14 years ago because it's another plot line and muddies your log line. With all the cuts you're down to 2 sentences.
Thanks everyone - the adoption is NOT illegal. However, Taylor's actions are. Make sense?ReplyDelete
Taylor discovers adoption papers connecting a friend who supposedly died in a car crash fourteen years ago to a neighbor who wants to know who her child is. If she tells the truth she risks losing her friend, destroying a family, and ending up in Juvenile Hall. She wants to stay silent, but sometimes secrets leak.
I like your latest improvement here in the comments. There are still a few items to nitpick.ReplyDelete
The neighbor wanting to know whom her child is, is vague. We naturally assume most people know whom their children are. Why doesn't she? I can guess, but I want it to be stated and clear the first read through.
I'd put commas before and after "who supposedly died in a crash fourteen years ago" to help break up the first sentence, which is long and difficult to read clearly.
I also want your last sentence to be stronger, which will make your MC sound stronger. Right now it reads like what your MC is going to do about her conflict is stay silent, but then an "accident" solves the predicament of the story. What needs to be clear is that the secret leaking out is staged and intentional by the MC, which I'm assuming it is.
Another thing you also need to explain in your revised, revised logline is whether the friend is indeed alive. You say she supposedly died, then you say Taylor risks losing her friend. Are both those people the same friend? You could say "losing her friend all over again" for starters, if you can make it flow well.
You're getting close to a fantastic logline. Good luck!
REVISION #2 (with Kathryn Purdie's suggestions - thank you! Better?)ReplyDelete
Taylor discovers adoption papers connecting her BFF, whom supposedly died in a car crash fourteen years ago, to a neighbor who learns that her attorney lied about the accident, and she now wants to know who her child is. Taylor must decide whether to risk losing her BFF by revealing the shocking secret that could destroy a family, or stay silent. Sometimes secrets leak, making the truth harder to tell.
I'd definitely enjoy reading this--love the title!ReplyDelete
I like the second revision, but I would consider removing the "BFF" and instead simply stating best friend. My questions are, why would the attorney lie and how did the neighbor make this discovery?
I'm also tripping over the "14 years ago". It's confusing the age of the MC, which since this is YA, I assume is in her teens.
The last line doesn't make sense to me. Maybe something like "Sometimes secrets leak, making the truth harder to hide" would fit better?
I hope this helps! I love how far this has come along. Good luck! :)
REVISION #3 -THANKS EVERYONE - I APPRECIATE YOU!ReplyDelete
Taylor discovers adoption papers connecting her best friend, whom supposedly died in a car crash--at least that's what the attorney said, to a neighbor who knows he's lying, because he handled the adoption. Taylor must decide whether to help the neighbor find her child, risk losing her best friend by revealing the shocking secret that could destroy a family, or keep quiet. Sometimes secrets intentionally leak, making it impossible to stay silent.
Happy to help!ReplyDelete
I'm still not getting a clear sense of the details you're trying to convey and how the go together in this logline. How about something like this:
After discovering adoption papers connecting her best friend to a neighbor who lost their child in a car crash years before, Taylor must decide whether to reveal the informatin to her neighbor--a lie covered up by a corupt attorney--or keep quiet. Telling could mean losing her best friend and destroying a family, but sometimes secrets get leaked, making it impossible to stay silent.
Hope this helps! I really want to read more! :)