tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post1384922426172294058..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: October Logline #8K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-81443019566127287212011-10-28T11:52:14.892-04:002011-10-28T11:52:14.892-04:00...can I just copy/paste what JoyMC said?
You cou......can I just copy/paste what JoyMC said?<br /><br />You could also cut the frost/fire dragon hybrid part1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-37786432805657075652011-10-27T23:28:13.576-04:002011-10-27T23:28:13.576-04:00Hope you don't mind I played with it a bit...
...Hope you don't mind I played with it a bit...<br /><br />Twelve-year-old Justin isn't an arsonist, but nobody is going to believe a dragon set the fire in a ruse to smuggle out a stolen dragon egg. Justin recovers the egg and races into a fantastial world, pursued by the dragon who's desperate to take it back. The egg must be returned to its mother otherwise this dragon species will become extinct, and he will never see home again, not even juvenile hall. <br /><br /><br />I like your voice, and find the story interesting. But you could take out a few words just to tighten it up.<br /><br />I like it and would read.S.A.Husseyhttp://planted-n-paged.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-25413016083950892842011-10-27T21:15:36.428-04:002011-10-27T21:15:36.428-04:00Hmm - this is missing the last phrase. I probably ...Hmm - this is missing the last phrase. I probably failed at cut and paste. The last bit should read: and he will never see home again, not even juvenile hall.Heather Hawkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16098673743504191567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-12313534106145869992011-10-27T21:03:27.364-04:002011-10-27T21:03:27.364-04:00I think you can just drop the first sentence.
Whe...I think you can just drop the first sentence.<br /><br />When 12 yr old Justin recovers a rare dragon egg, he races into a fantastical world, pursued<br />by an evil dragon who is desperate to steal it back. (Why?) If Justin doesn’t return the egg<br />to its mother in time, two endangered dragon species will become extinct and (how this relates to Justin)Janice Sperryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00178805752960449557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-8243187092670791372011-10-27T20:02:59.863-04:002011-10-27T20:02:59.863-04:00I really like this, but I have two comments. The f...I really like this, but I have two comments. The first is in the first sentence, "with a stolen egg" just confuses me. I think you can cut that and be much stronger. "Nobody is going to believe a dragon set the fire." (And maybe say what fire - the fire at the school, etc.) Then, I wonder if there are stakes for Justin. Two endangered species becoming extinct is somewhat exciting, but I'm guessing part of the stakes for Justin are clearing his own name of the arson. I'd like to be reminded of that in the final sentence. I'd request pages!JoyMCnoreply@blogger.com