Thursday, October 27, 2011

October Logline #3

TITLE: Simon's Oath
GENRE: YA

Two orphaned brothers are hired to rehabilitate the daughter of a brothel owner who doesn’t talk, she only screams and bites. If Simon and Hector can transform her into a normal girl, they will be fed and clothed until they reach adulthood. It they fail, they will be sold back into indentured slavery dredging silt from the local river where a single slip could mean their death.

6 comments:

  1. I think you can combine your first two sentences. Log lines should only be 2 sentences - I think.

    Two orphaned brothers are hired to turn a wild daughter of a wealthy man (the brothel owner bit makes it long.) into a normal girl in exchange for a lifetime supply of food and clothing. If they fail...

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  2. I like Janice's suggestion. The first sentence kinda threw me off, especially since I first read it as the brothel owner was the one who screamed and bit. It took me a moment to realize it was the daughter.

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  3. Wow, this sounds intense. I like the detail of her being the daughter of a brothel owner. You have all the elements of a great pitch, but it's dry. Try playing with the words a bit and show us the main character's voice.

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  4. I agree you can combine sentences 1 & 2 into a less dry sentence. I just love this, and want to see the drama come out.

    ie If two orphaned brothers can transform the severely autistic (or whatever) daughter of a brothel owner into a normal girl,...

    I like the implication that success might be beyond them, and that they could find an alternative solution. At least I read this in there - if so, could you make it more explicit?

    instead of "their death" just "death"

    Honestly, even if these issues were to remain a little rough, this story really shines as something I'd love to read.

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  5. I really loved this logline and the premise of your story. I was hooked reading this. "Brothel owner" did scream out at me a bit as well, but I think I'd leave it, because I like the idea that being raised in a brothel is better than life as they know it.

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  6. ...Is this a little better?


    A brothel madam hires two orphaned brothers to rehabilitate her daughter who doesn’t talk, she only screams and bites. If Simon and Hector can transform Faith into a normal girl within four weeks, they will be fed and clothed until they reach adulthood. It they fail, they will be sold back into indentured slavery where a single mistake could mean their death.

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