tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post3411359611998176678..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Logline #2K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-80154063401718889752011-10-18T10:36:20.402-04:002011-10-18T10:36:20.402-04:00I love all your details here except the vague and ...I love all your details here except the vague and cliche-ridden "world's destiny at stake." Isn't the world's destiny always at stake in adventure novels? Can you find another, more specific way to say that things are going to be really, really bad? Otherwise, I like.Gail Shepherdhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16998497900316232330noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-60675242260613738682011-10-17T22:50:12.659-04:002011-10-17T22:50:12.659-04:00Oh, I think this reads much better than before. Go...Oh, I think this reads much better than before. Good job!angelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11007118172898489347noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-23495804009612522262011-10-17T21:39:52.805-04:002011-10-17T21:39:52.805-04:00This sounds like an interesting read!
I agree w...This sounds like an interesting read! <br /><br />I agree with Tara, I think that rearranging the wording would flow better. <br /><br />I would also remove "But" from the start of the second sentence. <br /><br />The word "herd" makes me think of animals, so you may reconsider changing that as well.<br /><br />Hope this helps. Good luck! :)K.T. Crowleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-26873979728337803902011-10-17T20:44:06.938-04:002011-10-17T20:44:06.938-04:00I think that you've made some great revisions ...I think that you've made some great revisions here! I have a couple of suggestions that might help tighten things up. In the second sentence, you can probably drop the word "African." In the first, for some reason, I think that "12-year-old adventure-phobe Tripplehorn Parker" would sound better than "adventure-phobic 12-year-old Tripplehorn Parker." And I'm not sure you need "is horrified"--maybe she can just receive the message? There are just a lot of verbs in that sentence.<br /><br />Otherwise, I think this is looking really good! Good luck!Tara Dairmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02553180762608936696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-2061355548990565722011-10-17T20:43:22.980-04:002011-10-17T20:43:22.980-04:00I like your MC's name and your premise. The id...I like your MC's name and your premise. The idol gives my brain something to hold on to and the setting is clear with the use of "Ugandan bush". <br /><br />You could cut some words here and there. For example: The second "with" in sentence two could go along with the comma just before it. Also "to use smarts and nerve" can go because you use "outwit" later which tells me the same thing.<br /><br />Nice job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com