Saturday, October 27, 2012

BD One Last Chance Logline #59

Round 3 Original Post #10

Title: RACE TO BUTCH CASSIDY'S GOLD
Genre: MG Mystery

Two cousins, with their quirky Grandpa Jim, search for Butch Cassidy's gold to save a ranch for troubled youth. Racing across Utah in a beat-up Winnebago, they must outsmart dangerous thieves to find the treasure first.

9 comments:

  1. Sounds like a fun adventure story. My only suggestions would be to see if you could incorporate the ages. I'd also replace the word "with" with "and".

    Two twelve year-old cousins and their quirky Grandpa Jim...

    Good luck!

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  2. I really like the premise of this and I've seen it before. I'd like to see their names (I know you've gotten feedback before to drop them) and ages. Giving their names tells us that one's a boy and one's a girl. The rest is perfect.

    Good luck!

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  3. This is nice and succinct--I really like how you were able to incorporate both the stakes (ranch for troubled youth) and the conflict (thieves) in just a couple of short sentences. Nice work!

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  4. Thanks for your feedback, everyone. Do you like this better? It gives their names and the MC's age:

    Twelve-year-old Maggie McCoy, with her fearless cousin Jake and quirky Grandpa Jim, searches for Butch Cassidy's gold to save a camp for troubled youth. Racing across Utah in a beat-up Winnebago, they must outsmart dangerous thieves to find the treasure first.

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  5. Much better, Em! Only it should be "search" instead of "searches". FUN story!!!

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  6. The revision is perfect - very clear and catchy. Sounds like a great story!

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  7. I remember really liking this somewhere else. and I think the revision sounds great! I'd love to read this.

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