GENRE: YA Super-Fantasy Adventure
Zina Casperelli, 16-year-old genius, decides what kind of friend she is when her newest stray – a glowing amnesiac – becomes pivotal in an ancient conflict. She's the only one who sees him as a person rather than a brutal killer or the savior of humanity, and she won't let anyone decide his fate without doing all she can to protect him
Not sure what the stakes are here. You're throwing a lot of info at us, but it's not very clear imo. Maybe focus on the basics and be more specific. What does she want to save him from? What'll happen if she fails? Best of luck.ReplyDelete
Hmm? I'm not sure about the main points you've given, so maybe I should just tell you my thoughts, and you can see how readers will potentially read this.ReplyDelete
To me, I would think of Zina as seclusive, without experience with friends. I got excited about the glowing amnesiac part, but wasn't sure what glowing meant exactly. And I would take it that she needs to prove something to herself by saving him.
If I'm way off, I'm sorry! I hope my insight can help you some.
I liked the first sentence of your original version better. How about something like:ReplyDelete
When sixteen-year-old genius Rosina Casperelli finds a glowing young man in an alley, she learns quickly that she can’t keep him hidden. But she is the only one who sees him as a person rather than a brutal killer or the savior of humanity, and she won't let anyone decide his fate without doing all she can to protect him.
Once again I think Patchi's hit the nail on the head.ReplyDelete
I like Patchi's rewrite. It sets up the motivation of the main character better.ReplyDelete
Thanks for the feedback! Okay, so if it's not too much trouble, taking in the advice, we now have...ReplyDelete
"A world-wise sixteen-year-old genius is floored when she discovers a glowing, buck-naked amnesiac in the alley behind St. Catherine's. She'll risk life, limb and a full-ride scholarship to keep a secret kingdom of super-beings from turning him into a weapon."
I think you are almost there. I like the stakes in your revised second sentence, but I'm not sure about the first one. I got caught on "world-wise" and I think floored is either too vague or too metaphoric for a logline. Plus, does it matter where the alley is? How about:ReplyDelete
A sixteen-year-old genius  discovers a glowing, buck-naked amnesiac in [an] alley [and is determined to] risk life, limb and a full-ride scholarship to keep a secret kingdom of super-beings from turning him into a weapon.