TITLE: Savage Jungle
GENRE: MG Sci/fi
Twelve-year-old techie Kreith and his uncle are stranded in an alien jungle with some of the deadliest and most evolved animals in the universe, and when Kreith gets separated from his injured uncle, he must rely on himself to find an abandoned research facility to call for help and get them out alive.
This is much better than the first version, which was pretty good to begin with. The conflict and stakes are clear. I would just streamline it a little:
ReplyDeleteTwelve-year-old techie Kreith and his uncle are stranded in an alien jungle with some of the deadliest animals in the universe. After getting separated from his injured uncle, Kreith must find an abandoned research facility to call for help and get them out alive.
Good luck!
I agree with the comment above and really like the revised logline suggested.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kelsey. Cutting this into 2 sentences makes the logline stronger. Otherwise I think you've got it.
ReplyDeleteI like Kelsey's rewrite but would replace "animals" with "creatures". Other than that, this is great :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I think these are all what I would say. Definitely don't make it all one sentence. What a good job!
ReplyDeleteOverall, it's very good. To make it even better consider: Breaking it up into two sentences. The first one: Twelve-year-old techie Kreith and his uncle are stranded in an alien jungle with some of the deadliest and most evolved animals in the universe. And changing the second one slightly to: When Kreith gets separated from his injured uncle, he must find an abandoned research facility to call for help, or die in the deadly jungle as something's meal. This puts up the consequences right up front.
ReplyDelete