Genre: Wall Street Thriller
Adelaide Taggart is an electrician from Jersey, who scammed her way into a job at the richest hedge fund on Wall Street. After her first deal gets the green light, the money hits the bank and she realizes it’s dirty and she should run for the hills. She doesn't. She knows the risks, she can land in jail or get herself killed - but Adelaide needs the cash and plans on playing by her own rules.
I think the tagline is written well, but what I want to know most of all is why I should root for Adelaide? Why does she need the money? Is it something so dire that she is forced to do this? I want to be able to root for her but have nothing to sympathize with from the above logline.ReplyDelete
How does Adelaide scam her way into a hedge fund? Did she 'steal' a fabricated track record? I must know that in order to give her some credibility. Some suggestions: define 'job' (trader?), drop 'the richest', drop 'gets the green light' and 'run for the hills' and replace with strong verbs. Finally, who's after her? Investors? The hedgies? The SEC?ReplyDelete
I agree with the two comments above re. hinting why she needs the money (explaining this will create more tension)and revising your word choice to eliminate cliches. I don't think we need to know here that she was an electrician. The scamming point is more interesting because it fits in with the bigger scam of the dirty money.ReplyDelete
Awesome! I really like this, specifically the strong first sentence.ReplyDelete
I agree with Georgia Girl that you should get rid of the cliche "run for the hills."
Things start to get clunky around here: "She doesn't. She knows the risks, she can land in jail or get herself killed - but Adelaide needs the cash and plans on playing by her own rules."
Maybe something like this:
When Adelaide Taggart, an electrician from Jersey, scams her way into a job at the richest hedge fund on Wall Street, her first deal gets the green light. But when she realizes the money is dirty and could land her in jail or a coffin, she has to bend the rules just to pay her bills.
I'm still not 100% satisfied with my suggestion, but perhaps you can take this to the next level =)
Best of luck!