TITLE: THE ONES
GENRE: YA Soft Sci-Fi
High school junior Mina Gale and Nico Payne, the class bad boy, are
numerological soul mates; rare and powerful ‘double elevens.’ When a
Physics professor harnesses their energy to force open the doors
between eleven parallel universes, the pair is accidentally thrust
into another dimension. Now, they must somehow find their way home--in
spite of the holes that keep ripping in the fabric of space each time
they kiss.
GENRE: YA Soft Sci-Fi
High school junior Mina Gale and Nico Payne, the class bad boy, are
numerological soul mates; rare and powerful ‘double elevens.’ When a
Physics professor harnesses their energy to force open the doors
between eleven parallel universes, the pair is accidentally thrust
into another dimension. Now, they must somehow find their way home--in
spite of the holes that keep ripping in the fabric of space each time
they kiss.
I love the last line about ripping the fabric of space when they kiss. Sounds like a fun and exciting story. I wonder,though, if you could make it clearer why it's so important that they find their way home? And I wonder if it's possible to convey more of a hint of why they're so attracted to each other that they risk ripping the fabric of space? My suggestion would be to revise your opening line. The "high school junior" description is bland and I don't think you need last names. Maybe instead you could slip in a word or two that would convey a little more sense of what the characters are like and why they're irresistibly attracted. Maybe something like, "______ Mina doesn't understand why she just can't stay away from bad boy Nico--until she discovers they are ...." Just my 2 cents, of course. And I think this sounds appealing!
ReplyDeleteI cut and paste your original to see what was different, and why this new version seems a bit flat. In your earlier logline, I got a clear sense of her attraction to the bad boy, and liked him myself because he's not all bad (deep, sensitive eyes). This creates more sympathy for the mc, since we're rooting for her success in this potential romance. If he's just a bad boy, the reader can't understand why she likes him, so there's no emotional investment in their romance -- and then your fabulous ending loses its punch. I thought you nailed it the first time, with this version:
ReplyDeleteTurns out it’s not just the class bad boy’s deep, sensitive eyes making high school junior Mina Gale so obsessed: They’re numerological soulmates; rare and powerful ‘double elevens.’ When their Physics professor harnesses their energy to open doors between eleven parallel universes, the pair is thrust from reality as we know it. Now, they must find their way home--in spite of the holes that keep ripping in the fabric between dimensions when they kiss.
I would delete the semiclolon between "soulmates" and "rare," and use a comma instead. Semicolons are an awkward bit of punctuation, especially so closely following a colon. A comma will read more smoothly and does not make the eye focus on the punctuation.
Best wishes with this! Sounds like a great story.
Thank you for all your helpful feedback, skywriter, both here and in your secret agent crit of The Ones! I'm rooting for Flutter, too:) I just realized I'm way over 60 words at this point... If you see this, can you let me know if this tightened version still has punch for you?
DeleteIt’s not just the class bad boy’s deep, sensitive eyes making Mina obsessed: They’re numerological soulmates, powerful ‘double elevens.’ When their Physics professor harnesses their energy to open doors between eleven parallel universes, the pair is torn from this world. Now, they must find their way home--in spite of the holes that rip between dimensions each time they kiss.
Semicolons are so awkward that I can't even spell them...
ReplyDelete; )
I like it! I get a clear sense of story, the MC's motivation, and the practical stakes. I see what skywriter says about "sensitive eyes" and I guess the only suggestion I would make is along those lines - I think you could deepen the emotional stakes by suggesting something about Mina being irresistibly drawn to the bad boy because of their connection, but resisting it because he's also kind of an a-hole, yet maybe their connection will reveal a side to him that is decidedly wonderful and worth dealing with the a-holeness to get to. I do think it works as is, though. You could just amp up the emotional arc for really big impact :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with skywriter about liking the older version--it gave me more reason to like the MCs. Great story concept!
ReplyDelete