Original Post #9
TITLE: Misery Loves Company
GENRE: General Fiction
When tragic events and lean times force ten year old Cotton Sparrow
and her family to take up residence in an old abandoned school bus,
she learns first-hand about poverty, hunger and hopelessness. Years
later, when a bitter Cotton returns home for her mother’s funeral, she
seeks overdue retribution against the townspeople for ignoring her
childhood plight while simultaneously recalling the harsh realities of
her mother’s untreated mental illness.
I like the first sentence. The last one is too long and a bit confusing. Maybe "Years later, when a bitter Cotton returns home for her mother's funeral, she recalls the harsh realities of her mother's untreated mental illness and seeks overdue retribution against the townspeople for ignoring her childhood plight." I like the idea, though.ReplyDelete
I agree with the comment above. The concept is good. But I don't care for the 'while simultaneously recalling...' But rewording it like the suggestion above would make it sound much better.ReplyDelete
yes, tighten up that last sentence. i think Misery Loves Company sounds great!! good luck!!ReplyDelete
I like this a lot. Sounds like the show Revenge.ReplyDelete
How about dropping the last part of the second sentence:
"Years later, when a bitter Cotton returns home for her mother’s funeral, she seeks retribution against the townspeople for ignoring her childhood plight."
I think this is enough to intrigue. The part about reflecting on mental illness is less "hooky" in a logline I think.
This is compelling and left me wanting more. Consider striking "old" and "learns first hand about" (cliche')and replacing that phrase with something stronger -- "faces" "experiences" ? Strike "overdue" and "simulanteously recalling the harsh realities of" and replace with "and."ReplyDelete
I like the mental illness piece. It offers a twist on the story of poverty.
Your first sentence really caught my attention. I like the name Cotton. I find the image of a family living in a bus to be really compelling. But, from your logline I worry that this is all backstory. Is your novel the story of the family living in the bus? Or does it begin years later, when she goes back to revenge? I think your logline should really focus on the present line of action.ReplyDelete
I love this one! I get the sense that part of the novel is in the bus and part of it takes place when Cotton is an adult. If that's the case, then you've nailed it. If the bus is backstory, you might want to edit a bit. But still, a great premise and well-written logline.ReplyDelete
Great first sentence. But, the second one is too long and is a bit confusing, so needs work. Consider:ReplyDelete
Years later, a bitter Cotton, recalling the harsh realities of her mother’s untreated mental illness seeks overdue retribution against the townspeople at her mother’s funeral.