Genre: YA Fantasy
Fifteen-year-old Maya is the Yearbook Club nobody, the girl behind the camera documenting the lives of everyone cooler than her. A genetic glitch turns her into an unstable teleporter and she finds that being the main focus exposes nothing but trouble. When a series of bad decisions leave her friendless, boy-less, and strips her new-found ability, Maya must rely on her camera and her wits to prevent an international crisis at the G8 Summit in London.
Even without becoming an unstable teleporter, or in spite of it, Maya's story sounds compelling. How you get a character to rely on her camera and wits to prevent an int'l crisis sounds like a great story for YA anything. But maybe too much is going on. I think new-found is really one word, and I don't know what 'boy-less' means--boyfriend-less? If so, I would have assumed that she had no boyfriend as she was friendless, but maybe I'm wrong. One thing that sticks out to me in this storyline is that she is described as the nobody behind the camera, and the glitch that gives her special powers leaves her the same--friendless, a nobody. What is the change here? Also the newfound ability seems awfully short-lived to have any significance, and seems to me to take away from a storyline that may be stronger without it. Regardless, Maya's story sounds like an exciting and unique one. I would clarify what happens between "everyone cooler than her" and "Maya must rely on her camera".
ReplyDeleteThis is great and original. The only change I would make would be to add the word "after" at the beginning of the second sentence.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I agree with cassielo about the compelling nature of the story--it really comes off well. But I also agree that the time you spend on her new found power seems a little short lived. The first sentence sets up her "normal life" and then we move into the impact of the unstable teleporter ability, but I wonder if we need just one example of how that impacts her, other than being "nothing but trouble." I also think you can cut "boy-less" - as a loner behind camera, we're assuming she's always been friendless and boyless (and it's okay for the logline even if we're wrong). I also think the detail about the G8 is unnecessary, particularly given the length of this logline. Here's my rewrite (which is also too long, but closer, I think...)
ReplyDeleteFifteen-year-old Maya is the Yearbook Club nobody — the girl behind the camera who documents the lives of everyone cooler than her. But when a genetic glitch turns her into an unstable teleporter, she finds that being the focus is nothing but trouble. After a series of bad decisions strips her of her new found ability, Maya must rely only on her camera and her wits to prevent an international crisis.
Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions!
ReplyDeleteHere's my second stab at it:
Fifteen-year-old Maya is the Yearbook Club nobody, the girl behind the camera capturing the lives of everyone cooler than her. After a genetic glitch turns her into an unstable teleporter she finally becomes the center of attention. But being the main focus exposes her to the horrors of near spontaneous combustion, juggling super human boys, and a web of lies. When a group of hell bent Anomalies poison Maya, nullifying her ability, she must rely on her camera and her wits to prevent them from starting an international crisis.
CRITIQUING THE REVISION, NOT THE ORIGINAL POST:
ReplyDeleteFifteen-year-old Maya is the Yearbook Club nobody, the girl behind the camera capturing the lives of everyone cooler than her. After a genetic glitch turns her into an unstable teleporter, she finally becomes the center of attention. But being the main focus exposes her to the horrors of near spontaneous combustion, juggling super human boys, and a web of lies. When a group of hell bent Anomalies poison Maya, nullifying her ability, she must rely on her camera and her wits to prevent them from starting an international crisis.
Can I just say first off that I absolutely love all of the camera vernacular ("capturing," "center," "main focus").
Also, I absolutely love the revision and am much more intrigued by it than the original. We get specifics like combustion, super human boys, and the Anomalies, whoever they are. I love it. The only thing I changed about it was to add a comma after teleporter because it's an introductory dependent clause.
Good luck!--Veronica, #20
Thank you Veronica!
Delete