Title: I DIED ON A TUESDAY
Genre: YA paranormal
Recently deceased seventeen-year-old Cate can’t remember anything from before the day she died. Command likes it that way. It limits the “complications” that accompany mourning their former lives or whatever. So when a freak accident during a routine Haunting triggers a recovered memory about the circumstances surrounding her death, Cate knows she should let it go. But because her infuriating Haunting partner, who she’s totally falling for, is involved, she can’t help but dig deeper.
This sounds like a compelling story, but a few words could be deleted to make the logline sparkle. You don't need "or whatever," and "recovered." (The term "recovered" memory may be a term used in your book, but it adds clutter to the logline). Also, your last line could be streamlined to add more resonance. Maybe along the lines of:
ReplyDeleteBut her infuriating Haunting partner is involved -- she can't help but dig deeper -- especially now that she's falling for him.
Or, smooth out that same line by moving "involved" in your original sentence:
But because her infuriating Haunting partner is involved, who she’s totally falling for, she can’t help but dig deeper.
I'm not sure about "infuriating." Maybe
"infuriating but adorable." : )
Best wishes with this!
This sounds like a great story, and I think you did a great job of letting your voice shine through. I think it would greatly benefit from being trimmed down, though. For the beginning, maybe try something like this:
ReplyDeleteRecently deceased seventeen-year-old Cate can’t remember anything from before the day she died, and Command likes it that way. But when a freak accident during a routine Haunting triggers...
I don't think we need to know why Command likes it that way, and bringing the sentence cound down to 2 or 3 would help sharpen it up. Good luck!
Great voice! It's a tad long for a logline, but I'm not sure what you could cut.
ReplyDeleteI hope to see the first 250 words at the auction.
This is a great concept, and I think the other suggestions here about tightening it would really make this pop! :)
ReplyDeletePremise sounds great, but there's a lot going on here. First sentence is awesome, but you lost me a little after that. What are the most important parts of the story to get across here? I might even suggest deleting the two sentences after the first, so it would read like this:
ReplyDeleteRecently deceased seventeen-year-old Cate can’t remember anything from before the day she died. So when a freak accident during a routine Haunting triggers a memory about the circumstances surrounding her death, Cate knows she should let it go. But because her infuriating Haunting partner, who she’s totally falling for, is involved, she can’t help but dig deeper.
From there, I might elaborate a tiny bit on "knows she should let it go." Otherwise, I'd read this in a heartbeat.