Rob Walsh, a world-class sailor paralyzed in a mysterious car accident, confronts daunting odds to regain his life, but his biggest challenge lies in his own forgiveness.
I think you've done a good job of creating a succinct logline. My suggestion would be to get more specific. "Daunting odds" and "regain his life" are vague and a little cliched IMO. What do these things mean specifically to this character? Also, why/how is the accident "mysterious"? And what are the consequences if he can't forgive himself? I know there are limits on how much you can fit in, but I think a few more specific words would serve this well. Just my 2 cents of course!
Thank you, sgf, for your comments. I'm working on a more specific version. The accident is mysterious because Rob doesn't remember it and he wasn't driving. I thought all that was too much info, though.
I agree that more specifics would really help bring this to life. Why is he seeking his own forgiveness? What did he do?
An example (certainly rough and having nothing to do with the actual story) of filling out the details: "Rob Walsh has no memory of his own car accident. He was the only witness and investigators don't understand how the fender-bender turned so tragic. Overcoming paralysis, Rob regains his world-class ranking as a sailor. But his..."
I think this version is better. Since your logline is relatively short, though, I don't see why you can't say Rob can't remember the accident. ("...paralyzed in an accident he can't remember. He confronts...")Probably his not being able to remember it is part of what affects him.
Thanks Georgia Girl! Perhaps this is better? sgf-This version has the consequences you were looking for. Thanks for your comments!
Rob Walsh, a world-class sailor paralyzed in an accident he cannot remember, confronts disability, his sense of self, and prejudice to rebuild a normal life, but he will annihilate his soul unless he redeems himself for his responsibility in his fate.
Ingrid, I really like the first part of your latest revision, but I find I'm lost at the end. I'm afraid I just don't understand "annihilate his soul" or how/why he must "redeem himself for his responsibility in his fate." It's definitely getting better, though. Good luck!
Rob Walsh, a world-class sailor paralyzed in an accident he cannot remember, confronts disability, his sense of self, and prejudice to rebuild a normal life, but his soul will ever be broken unless he redeems himself for the fateful decision that hurt him.
What exactly is a "normal life"? I tried to simplify that a bit.
Rob Walsh, a world-class sailor paralyzed in an accident he cannot remember confronts disability, his sense of self, and prejudice to rebuild his life, but his soul remains broken until he forgives himself for the fateful decision that almost killed him.
RedCard10--Thank you. I like 'life' by itself. I wanted to say 'for the fateful decision that changed his life' but I already said life and I want to avoid the echo. Rob is most concerned about how his life changed rather than almost being dead, though. I may have to sleep on this one... Writing one line almost seems more difficult than writing a novel. Eek!
Rob Walsh, a world-class sailor paralyzed in an accident he cannot remember, confronts disability, his sense of self, and prejudice to rebuild his life, but he can only piece back his soul if he forgives himself for the decision that broke it.
Here's another version to consider (I'm not a big fan of "piece back his soul"):
Rob Walsh, a world-class sailor paralyzed in an accident he cannot remember, confronts disability, his sense of self, and prejudice to rebuild his life, but he can only mend his soul if he forgives himself for the decision that devastated it.
I'm still not sure about "devastated" but I really like "mend." Good luck wrapping it up!
I think you've done a good job of creating a succinct logline. My suggestion would be to get more specific. "Daunting odds" and "regain his life" are vague and a little cliched IMO. What do these things mean specifically to this character? Also, why/how is the accident "mysterious"? And what are the consequences if he can't forgive himself? I know there are limits on how much you can fit in, but I think a few more specific words would serve this well. Just my 2 cents of course!
ReplyDeleteThank you, sgf, for your comments. I'm working on a more specific version. The accident is mysterious because Rob doesn't remember it and he wasn't driving. I thought all that was too much info, though.
DeleteI agree that more specifics would really help bring this to life. Why is he seeking his own forgiveness? What did he do?
ReplyDeleteAn example (certainly rough and having nothing to do with the actual story) of filling out the details: "Rob Walsh has no memory of his own car accident. He was the only witness and investigators don't understand how the fender-bender turned so tragic. Overcoming paralysis, Rob regains his world-class ranking as a sailor. But his..."
RedCard10--Thanks for your comments. Hopefully the new version will add some more specificity.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI think this version is better. Since your logline is relatively short, though, I don't see why you can't say Rob can't remember the accident. ("...paralyzed in an accident he can't remember. He confronts...")Probably his not being able to remember it is part of what affects him.
ReplyDeleteThanks Georgia Girl! Perhaps this is better?
Deletesgf-This version has the consequences you were looking for. Thanks for your comments!
Rob Walsh, a world-class sailor paralyzed in an accident he cannot remember, confronts disability, his sense of self, and prejudice to rebuild a normal life, but he will annihilate his soul unless he redeems himself for his responsibility in his fate.
Ingrid, I really like the first part of your latest revision, but I find I'm lost at the end. I'm afraid I just don't understand "annihilate his soul" or how/why he must "redeem himself for his responsibility in his fate." It's definitely getting better, though. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteK--Thank you! I'm looking for more specific words...
DeleteI agree with K Callard on all points. The first part is really strong now. Keep at it. Good luck!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI keep hammering away:
ReplyDeleteRob Walsh, a world-class sailor paralyzed in an accident he cannot remember, confronts disability, his sense of self, and prejudice to rebuild a normal life, but his soul will ever be broken unless he redeems himself for the fateful decision that hurt him.
Here's a pass, Ingrid. I hope this helps.
ReplyDeleteWhat exactly is a "normal life"? I tried to simplify that a bit.
Rob Walsh, a world-class sailor paralyzed in an accident he cannot remember confronts disability, his sense of self, and prejudice to rebuild his life, but his soul remains broken until he forgives himself for the fateful decision that almost killed him.
RedCard10--Thank you. I like 'life' by itself. I wanted to say 'for the fateful decision that changed his life' but I already said life and I want to avoid the echo. Rob is most concerned about how his life changed rather than almost being dead, though. I may have to sleep on this one... Writing one line almost seems more difficult than writing a novel. Eek!
DeleteAlso, thanks for your feedback on my logline (#11). It was very helpful!
ReplyDeleteMy pleasure! Yours is a story I would like to read.
DeleteNearing the 11th hour:
ReplyDeleteRob Walsh, a world-class sailor paralyzed in an accident he cannot remember, confronts disability, his sense of self, and prejudice to rebuild his life, but he can only piece back his soul if he forgives himself for the decision that broke it.
Here's another version to consider (I'm not a big fan of "piece back his soul"):
ReplyDeleteRob Walsh, a world-class sailor paralyzed in an accident he cannot remember, confronts disability, his sense of self, and prejudice to rebuild his life, but he can only mend his soul if he forgives himself for the decision that devastated it.
I'm still not sure about "devastated" but I really like "mend." Good luck wrapping it up!
Thumbs up to 'mend'! Thanks for your help! And good luck with BD.
Delete