Title: Moon Fire
Genre: MG Fantasy Adventure
When Zephyr, a half-Asian boy, embarks on a wild adventure with Ming, his magical Time Keeper, and Zeela, a failed witch, into the world of Asian wizards to save his parents from being lost forever in the ether, he learns that his true biological father is Lepton Black, the evil Lord of Black Magic who was responsible for the disappearance of his parents and seeks revenge on him.
Okay, this is a tough one. You've got a great premise here and you want to get in lots of ideas. I'd suggest you break this up into 2-3 clear sentences. Here's one idea:ReplyDelete
Zephyr, a half-Asian (give age) boy, embarks on a wild adventure into the world of Asian wizards to save his parents. Along for the ride are Ming, his magical Time Keeper, and Zeela, a failed witch. Together they discover that his biological father is Lepton Black, the evil Lord of Black Magic who is responsible for the disappearance of his parents and wants him dead.
Just a thought! Good luck!
I suggest breaking this up into separate sentences. As it reads now, it is pretty confusing (for example, by the end, I wasn't sure whom was seeking revenge on whom). Also, give us more to latch onto. Why did the evil lord banish his parents to the ether? What does Zephyr do to seek revenge?ReplyDelete
I'd also suggest to trim this down a little. I think it'd help if you could limit the character names. You could say: When Zephyr, a half-Asian boy, embarks on a wild adventure with his magical Time Keeper and a failed witch into the world of Asian wizards to save his parents...ReplyDelete
I think you can lose the names without losing any of the flavor. Just keep magical Time Keeper, failed witch, and evil Lord of Black Magic. We don't need to know any more specifics in the logline. I think 'seeks revenge on him' is confusing as an ending. If this Black Magic Lord is the one responsible for the parents' disappearance, why is he also seeking revenge? Shouldn't it be the other way around? How about something like: "along the way he learns that the Lord of Black Magic responsible for the disappearance of his parents is also his biological father."ReplyDelete
I concur with the others and feel that this might be too much detail for a log line, although the concept is really intriguing. I like Shannon's suggestion for stream lining.ReplyDelete
Thanks everyone for your helpful comments. I'm new here, so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post edits... If not, I can delete it. Does this work better?ReplyDelete
Zephyr, a twelve-year-old half-Asian boy, embarks on a wild adventure across the continents into the world of Asian wizards to discover his parents’ secrets after they disappear. When he seeks help from his mother’s professors at Madame Wong’s School for Gifted Witches, he learns that his parents are not dead but that he can save them. However, in the process, he unveils a family secret that is more painful to him than death itself.