Genre: YA Mystery w/ Paranormal Elements
17-year-old Anna isn't sure which life she's leading: her current one that confides in a psychiatrist;or the one that visits her only in her sleep, as a victim moments before her death. When a new classmate bridges the link between her two lives, she’s forced to solve a cold case murder before she takes her last breath.
This sounds exciting! The only thing I would say is that the first sentence is confusing. After re-reading it a couple of times I'm pretty sure I know what you mean, but I think it could be phrased a little more clearly.ReplyDelete
Does her second life involve the psychiatrist visiting her in her sleep? Or does she visit her psychiatrist only in her sleep? Or someone else? Who's the victim: the psychiatrist or Anna?
You have a great idea. Just play around with the beginning so it's a little more clear. Great job!
Sounds like a great premise! It reminds me of the TV show Awake.ReplyDelete
I think you do could a few tweaks to make it a little more clear. When I initally read the first line, I thought maybe she was a schizophrenic. Instead of saying which "life", could you maybe say which reality? I'd also say: the one where she confides in...
Yes - great concept, but it could be better delivered. Tweak the first line. Lose the semicolon. Say something like 'The one that confides in a psychiatrist, or the one in the vivid recurring dreams that reveal the gory moments before hear death." You could do better than that, but see what I mean? Make it simpler. And I'd say "she must solve a cold case murder" as it's less wordy than "she's forced to." AND since you have a higher word count limit to play with, maybe you could intrigue us and hint at WHY she's forced to solve a murder before she dies, or why she'd want to (what's at stake? She's doomed anyway). Sounds like a good story!ReplyDelete
I agree with the other comments, first line is a bit confusing, and the line, 'Her current one that confides in a psychiatrist' seems awkward. The second sentence is perfect. Sounds great! Best of luck.ReplyDelete
Yes, I agree. Love the concept, but a bit more clarity would help a lot. :)ReplyDelete
I agree with all prior comments: The concept is cool, this presentation of it is a bit confusing.ReplyDelete
A small grammar edit (the grammarian in my cannot help it): the semi-colon separates two independent clauses (they're usually related in thought in some way). An independent clause is a something that can stand on it's own as a sentence. The current use of a semi-colon is incorrect.
You also have a bit of pronoun confusion in your last sentence--it is not completely clear if the "she" and "her" you refer to are Anna. This is easily cleared up by writing, "When a new classmate bridges the link between her two lives, Anna's forced to solve a cold case murder before she takes her last breath.