Saturday, October 27, 2012

BD One Last Chance Logline #58


TITLE: The Letty House Mystery
GENRE: Middle Grade Mystery

A 12-year-old empath senses only family members’ pain and emotion until she experiences a neighbor’s terror and feels the woman’s death. Why was she open to the elderly Irishwoman’s intense feeling and pain? Why did the woman leave her a legacy of secrets in a metal box revealing painful truths about herself and her Irish immigrant parents as well as risking her life.

9 comments:

  1. Sounds YA. Maybe MC should be 14 or older.

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  2. Sounds like a very intriguing story. I really like the first sentence but I feel like it got lost with the rhetoricals in the second and third lines. It just needs tightening up to increase the mystery/suspense.
    "A 12 year old empath senses only family members's pain and emotion until she experiences a neighbor's terror and feels the woman's death. A legacy of secrets in a small metal box reveal painful truths about her family that send her on a journey of......"
    Good luck!

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  3. I really like the story premise. This does need a little work. I don't think you're supposed to put questions in the logline. You also need the MC's (main character's)name at least once. It helps the reader connect w/ the character already. Best of luck. Look forward to seeing your first 250.

    Violet - entry 29

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  4. I am interested in this because of the empath angle. Sounds so interesting. However, I agree with the others that you should reword it to get rid of the questions. Then, I think you're on to something!

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  5. Great premise! But I have to agree with the other commenters and would replace the rhetoricals. I like anonymous's suggestion.
    Good luck!

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  6. As a rule of thumb, you should eliminate the questions/rhetoricals, as it comes across as gimmicky. But the actual premise sounds intriguing! Just needs some polish and some more active/direct language.

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  7. I agree with the others' comments. Maybe you sould try something a bit more active, like : "12-yr-old empath, (name), has only ever been able to sense her family's pain, until the night she experiences the terror and death of her elderly neighbour. Now she must (specific action : solve the mystery of her death? discover how the woman is related to her?) even if it means risking her life/more specific danger."

    Or something like that. Good luck.

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  8. Ooh, sounds like an interesting premise. I see why you shouldn't put in the question, kind of clouds the visual. You have some good suggestions here. Best of luck.

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  9. This plot feels v. mature for MG... seems upper middle grade at least. Also, I would definitely rephrase this logline without the rhetoricals.

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