TITLE: Rachel on Fire
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Rachel knows in her heart that rumours about Tom killing his parents in a house fire are only embers of broken truths – truths that she will uncover and embrace as she moves through a fiery series of firsts in a courageous fall into love.
I think this premise is really interesting. I'm confused, though. If the rumours are "embers of broken truths," does that mean they're true or they aren't? And then what are the truths she's uncovering? The broken ones? Or the true truth?? I also would suggest that you be more specific about the "fiery series of firsts." What does she actually have to do? My suggestion is to spell out the conflict and the consequences more clearly. Also, although you say Rachel "knows in her heart," I suspect she has some doubts, which is where the conflict really comes in. Just my 2 cents! This sounds like it could be enthralling.ReplyDelete
Thank you for your thorough response! I thought about all of these things when 'designing' my log line...and really wasn't 100% sure how specific I was supposed to be. In an attempt to include 'fire' themes into the log line, as 'fire' is a character in the story, I wrote it the way I did.Delete
To clarify, the rumours are truths that are broken - Tom's parents were killed in a house fire, but he didn't kill them. And the truth that Rachel wants to find out is exactly what happened the day the fire took place.
I honestly wasn't sure about how to put the 'firsts' in without going on the length stipulations for the log line. ! Essentially, this story is about Rachel falling in love, and therefore, experiencing all the firsts that come along with it - kissing, making out, and eventually sex. And none of these details include what's happening with the sub-plot relationships she's having with her brother, her aunt and her best friend...I just couldn't figure out how to fit all this in one line well enough, I suppose!
So..taking all this feedback...do I write in a reply an edited log line?!!! I'm a 'virgin' logliner!!!
The logline is a little too vague. I like the fire metaphor, but if you cut the "embers" line and make the challenge more specific, you'll have a better hook. The "fiery" ending brings it home, but the middle is a bit of a muddle.ReplyDelete
This needs to be more clear: "only embers of broken truths – truths that she will uncover and embrace..."
What specifically must she overcome? What are the specific challenges? Truth about what? What will happen (stakes) if she doesn't uncover the truth? Will her beloved go to jail? Will her parents never accept him? One or more of these answers is needed, otherwise it sounds lovely, but doesn't create an actual image of what's happening in the story.
skywriter, thanks for taking the time to comment! you're not the first to write that my logline is too vague - and thank you for saying so. The questions you pose are extremely helpful...and they made me think differently about what you - a reader who doesn't know the story - thinks will happen. Indeed, the conflict doesn't move toward anything criminal at all...!Delete
I will make the rumour information less vague as well as include a few more details about what else is going on.
this is a great challenge!
I actually like this as is. I think you've done a great job with metaphors, and it sounds like it'd be a very emotional book.ReplyDelete
Carmen, thank you! This is a very emotional story...at least that's what I tried to write! Thanks for reading and making a comment!Delete
I love the play on words throughout this, but--as skywriter mentioned--I could definitely use some more specifics.ReplyDelete
Julia, thank you for reading and commenting! I'll get more details in the log line for sure! I appreciate it!ReplyDelete
As a Rachel, I dig the title :). But I think this needs a little more detail. What's the relationship between Rachel and Tom? What's at stake if Rachel doesn't uncover the truth?ReplyDelete
Great language throughout, by the way! Embers, fiery series of firsts.
Thanks! I knew her name right away. I've always loved the name Rachel and as soon as I chose this name, she came to life!Delete
Seems as though the consensus is to add 'more detail' - and so that I will do.
Thank you for reading!! And taking the time to comment!
Glad you like the language too!!!
Folks, here's an edited log line...a mash up of an earlier version and the AMAZING comments I've been given from you!ReplyDelete
Rachel must travel to a small university town with her older brother Alex, and live with their quirky Aunt Millie for the summer. Armed with her favorite book, her journal and a healthy supply of chocolate, she knows that the summer she turns 17 will be one of the worst summers yet. Until Tom sits beside her on the bus. Tom - a loner at her high school rumored to have killed his parents in a house fire. Tom - a janitor by day, murderer by night. But those blue eyes. Those full lips. Are they really the makings of a cold-blooded killer?
A kiss proves to Rachel that there is much more to Tom than anyone knows. Her body is drawn to him as much as her mind. Turns out, he's going to the same town she is. For the whole summer. Turns out that home will never be the same, and the truths that Rachel will uncover and embrace as she moves through a fiery series of firsts – first kiss, first make-out, first sex - with Tom exemplify her courageous fall into love.
Your comments please!
It's too long...ReplyDelete
perhaps just the first paragraph or the just the last?