Genre: YA Dystopian
With four billion people in the world, seventeen-year-old Rhiley Winters never imagined she could be the Desiderium, whose power to turn desires into reality forced the government to outlaw desire, until one day her life is put in jeopardy when she wishes for more time and finds it standing still around her.
"Seventeen year old Rhiley Winters lives in a world where desire is outlawed because of beings that turn desire into reality known as Desiderium. But when her life is put in jeapordy, Rhiley comes to a stunning realization--she is a Desiderium too."ReplyDelete
That's really rough and I think you can fix that but your original was a bit hard to follow. The first sentence especially.
I'd lose the four billion people line as it doesn't add to your story. Use up your words with what gets at the heart of what you're doing. I'd start with "seventeen year old Rhiley never imagined..."ReplyDelete
I'd put a period after "to outlaw desire." The last sentence is unclear. As you have a 75 word limit in this contest, I would use them up and be as specific as possible about what the stakes are for Rhiley - I still don't know what she stands to gain or lose because of her magnificent powers.
I also think this might be stronger as two sentences. The final part seems a bit vague. I'd love to know a little more about why her life is put in jeopardy and to get a clearer sense of the stakes. Best of luck!ReplyDelete
I'd love it if you could give us a bit more about her power; maybe it's because I just got back from seeing Rocky Horror, but my first reaction involved "desire" in a way a lot different than how you obviously mean it. Otherwise, this is definitely intriguing, and I love the ending.ReplyDelete
This sounds super cool. I like the idea, but I am confused about the end of your logline. Is it time that is still standing around her?ReplyDelete
This definitely requires two sentences--as written now it's one huge grammatically incorrect hot mess.ReplyDelete
I'm intrigued by the 4 billion number but, as other posters have suggested, if it's not imminently important to a two sentence synopsis of the heart of your story, cut it.
I'd revise, as a starting point thus:
Seventeen-year-old Rhiley Winters never imagined she could be the Desiderium, a being with the power to turn desires into reality. With the government ban on desire, Rhiley puts her life in jeopardy when she wishes for more time and finds it standing still around her.
Again a jumping off point as what's missing here is a sense of urgency, danger, and desire. Think in terms of this "formula":
It’s about a (character) trying to (goal) while fighting for/against (conflict).
Authoress nailed it. Work off of that version...the original was confusing.ReplyDelete