Title: SILVER POOL OF LIGHT
Genre: MG Fantasy
Eve and Jane, eleven-year-old friends separated by a hundred years, write back and forth to each other across the centuries in a magical diary. But Jane, who dreams of leaving her Martha’s Vineyard farm, boards a whaling ship that Eve learns is doomed to disaster. Difficult choices Eve faces in the present threaten her chances of saving Jane in the past.
I love the first line! It's such a hook, to me.ReplyDelete
The middle line gives me a clear view of the tension in the story, but maybe you could rearrange the order of the words. The same for the conclusion. I know that this isn't the most helpful suggestion, because it's so vague, but I think reordering the words would help the reader's thought process.
I just love this premise!ReplyDelete
I think if you added "early 1900's" before Martha's Vineyard it would clarify (earlier in the logline) which girl is from the past.
Really cool premise! I agree that the first line is excellent and the middle introduces the conflict nicely, but that last sentence is way too vague. Be concrete there. Spell out what those tough decisions Eve faces are, or at least the biggest one. That's my two cents. Good luck with this!ReplyDelete
Oh - and I agree with Julie's comment, too.ReplyDelete
I am caught up on the last line too. 'Choices ' is a little vague. Maybe something like 'eve wants to save Jane but (obstacle....)ReplyDelete
Otherwise really interesting!
I agree with the others. Great beginning, just a little clunky in the ending. What about:ReplyDelete
Eve must choose between ______ and saving Jane in the past. OR
When Eve chooses to ____, her chances of saving Jane in the past are all but doomed.
Just a thought! Good luck!
I agree with all the previous comments. This is a great premise and I love the first line. Logline reads very well and will improve even more with comments above. Good job :)ReplyDelete
As a native New Englander, I love this premise. But consider starting out with the reason for the story. A magical diary lets Eve and Jane, eleven-year-old friends separated by a hundred years, write to each other across time. Then you can have something like: Jane, dreaming of leaving her Martha’s Vineyard farm, boards a whaling ship doomed to disaster. Eve's difficult choices threaten the chance of her saving Jane in the past.ReplyDelete
Super premise. I would drop the last line and run with it. Great job!ReplyDelete