Saturday, October 27, 2012

BD One Last Chance Logline #9

TITLE: Faithless Rose
GENRE: YA Paranormal
Killed at the hands of King Henry VIII’s men and brought back to life as a succubus, seventeen-year-old Amelia Godwin cannot change her fate. But, she can change the fate of her kidnapped twin brother, if only she can find him. In a journey of self-discovery and revenge, Amelia must decide what is more important, family or retaliation.


  1. I think the opening line is great! Sets up the character and the situation beautifully, and I already have sympathy for the MC. The second line works too. The last line, IMO, is too vague and falls into cliches: "self-discovery," "revenge," etc. What specific choice or action does she have to make and what is at stake? I think if you can fit that in, this would be captivating. Just my two cents of course!

  2. I agree with SGF - great opening line, but last line is weakest. I would scrap it and add the stakes to the one before. eg. "But she can change the fate of her kidnapped twin brother, if only she can find him before..."
    Good work!

  3. For me, I felt like the last part of the first sentence is unclear. To what does "her fate" refer? Her murder that's already happened or her fate as a succubus? "change her fate" feels a little cliche to me as well. I also wondered, if she can't change her fate, are we really reading her story, or does this story belong to her brother? I think there's some good conflict in your last sentence but it's watered down in a way that makes it seem like it doesn't pack as much punch as I suspect it does in your manuscript. I want to know more about the revenge aspect to your story because I suspect that's where the real conflict is here.

    Good luck and happy writing!
    ~Dannie (#13)

  4. I agree with the others. The first line is great. The last line lacks impact for me - I want more of a sense of exactly what is at stake and the difficult choices she faces.

  5. lori A. Goldstein (@_lagold)October 29, 2012 at 9:23 AM

    I love the first line. It's so hard to convey the full story by not resorting to cliches, as I well know, but I agree the last could use something so it ends on as strong a high as it starts on. Good luck!