Friday, October 19, 2012

BD Round 2 Revised Logline #9

Original Post #32

Title: MAKING ARRANGEMENTS
Genre: Women's Fiction

Battling cancer, Lang Ellis spent her (supposed) final year of life making sure her soon-to-be widowed husband could manage without her. Ha. After he drops dead on the tennis court, Lang, alive and well,  learns one of his many secrets can cost her the most important thing she has: her family.

9 comments:

  1. Nicely re-worded, the stakes of losing her family are clear now.

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  2. Very nice. Good job.

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  3. I like this new version. Good job!

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  4. I like the rewrite - the only thing I would change is replacing "can cost her" with "could cost her". Not sure why but that seems to flow better. Love this idea. Very different, makes this logline stand out. Good voice with the "Ha".

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  5. So much better than the original. Love it! Good luck!

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  6. skywriter, killheid, k, jessica and anya, THANK YOU!! You all are so generous with your time and energy and i appreciate it so much! what a fabulous group i've happened upon!

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  7. I like this version more, though I thought the last version was pretty good to begin with. Possible suggestion:

    Lang Ellis spent the past year battling cancer and making sure her husband could manage without her if she died (or in case she didn't pull through...or in case the cancer got the better of her...whatever fits her voice best). Ha. After he drops dead on the tennis court, Lang, now cancer-free, learns one of his many secrets could cost her the most important thing she has: her family.

    Something about the "supposed" last year of life makes me think someone was tricking her, rather than she just beat out the cancer against the doctors' predictions...but maybe that's what you were going for...hmmm...

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Kelsey!! Great feedback and thankyou so much for taking the time! i appreciate it soooo much!!

      2. Lang Ellis spent the past year battling cancer and making sure her husband could manage without her when she died. Ha. After he drops dead on the tennis court, Lang, now miraculously cancer-free, learns one of his many secrets could cost her the most important thing she has: her family.

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    2. Kelsey made a great observation, and your revision is strong and shiny. : )

      Best wishes!

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