TITLE: Replacement Reality
GENRE: YA light Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Sam knows she should be thrilled when she wins a replacement reality, a perfect alternate life in a glittery high-tech world, but instead feels conflicted. With only four hours left until she must claim the prize she cannot refuse, Sam shifts between past reflections and the present to try to save the person she already is.
Wow - what a cool premise! I'm a tad confused about why she "knows" she should be excited about this prize when she spends most of the story trying to save herself from collecting the prize. It just seems odd to me, a bit contradictory.ReplyDelete
The only other thing is I feel like the phrase "shifts between past reflections and the present" is kind of vague. What does that mean, really? What are the concrete events in the present that are happening (and perhaps even the past reflections)? I mean, that's your actual story, right? I think if you'd make that a bit clearer, you'd have a stronger logline, but I really like the idea behind this!
Sam knows she should be thrilled when she wins a replacement reality, a perfect alternate life in a glittery high-tech world. [But] with only four hours left until she must claim the prize she cannot refuse, Sam [wants] to try to save the person she already is.
Much improved - so much clearer. I really like the idea of this story. However, the logline makes it seem passive - like all she does is think about the decision she's about to make. Maybe put a bit of the action in the last sentence.ReplyDelete
Also, back on Miss Snark's blog, you had a version that said she "races against the clock to save the person she already is." that sounds much more active.
So, I'm going to give this a shot:
Sam should be thrilled when she wins a replacement reality, a perfect alternate life in a high-tech world. But accepting the prize is required [taking liberties here] and means have her mind erased like a hard drive. If Sam can't find an escape in four hours, she will cease to exist.
Or something like that. Good luck :)
This is much more clear than the first. I don't think you need "replacement reality" and "an alternate life". I would just leave replacement reality for the title.ReplyDelete
I think the phrase "she cannot refuse" sounds wordy and is kind of confusing. Is she not allowed to refuse it? Or is it because it seems too good of a deal to turn down?
And then I agree that "shift between past reflections and the present" is confusing.
I like Jessica's suggestion above, assuming her liberties are true to your plot. Maybe its the stakes that you need--having her mind erased or leaving all of her loved ones behind, etc.--whatever she would be losing by leaving her current, imperfect life.
Great concept! Good luck!
Trying to hone in on what we've got here.ReplyDelete
Sam wins a replacement reality
She must claim her prize and has four hours to do so.
She decides she wants to keep her own reality.
Where/what is her antagonist? The next sentence should be about what is keeping her from her goal.
It's clear that you have a lot of story here - assuming that there is a society based on this whole replacing reality business and they have something to gain by her accepting the "gift."
Maybe something kind of like:
When Sam wins a replacement reality that she doesn't want, she must find a way to stop [who?] from forcing the her to leave the life she loves, and she only has four hours to do it.