GENRE: YA Sci-Fi
Seventeen-year-old Juliet Eisley is a genetically engineered loner without much hope of a future – until she teams up with misanthropic medical genius Quinn Aldrick. Convinced Aldrick’s controversial work can save thousands, Juliet finally finds a purpose, and Aldrick’s dark and dangerous world starts to feel like home. But despite their growing bond, could Juliet be the unwilling subject of her new mentor’s ultimate experiment?
I don't really have suggestions for this. It's easy to follow and it's strong. I sort of feel like it runs on the long side but I'm not sure how to change it. See if you can combine a few ideas. Love the story.ReplyDelete
I think you've done a great job. I do agree that it feels a little long, but I'm not sure what you could cut. I would suggest to reword the end so it's not a rhetorical question. Agents often say they hate those.ReplyDelete
I agree with the comments above, both about the length and the ending question. I also felt that we could use a bit more information about what the two of them are actually working on. Here's my editing pass, leaving you a few words to address Addick's focus. All that said, I find the logline really compelling. Nicely done!ReplyDelete
Seventeen-year-old Juliet Eisley is a genetically engineered loner without a future – until she teams up with misanthropic medical genius Quinn Aldrick, whose controversial work (on ???) could save thousands. But despite their growing bond, everything changes when Juliet begins to suspect that she may be the unwilling subject of her new mentor’s ultimate experiment.
I absolutely agree with Carmen abut the last line. If you make it a statement rather than a question it will be much stronger. Otherwise, I think it's clear and well done.ReplyDelete
Best of luck!
I'm also with Carmen about the last line. Otherwise, I love, love, love this! Especially "Aldrick’s dark and dangerous world starts to feel like home." The phrasing is gorgeous, there. Great plot!ReplyDelete
Thanks for all the feedback! Am I allowed to post revisions? Just in case anybody else decides to read...ReplyDelete
Seventeen-year-old Juliet Eisley is a genetically Modified loner without much hope when she agrees to apprentice misanthropic medical genius Quinn Aldrick, whose controversial work could save thousands of Modified lives. Soon her complex relationship with Aldrick blossoms into a real bond, and Aldrick’s dark and dangerous world starts to feel like home – until Juliet discovers she might be the unwilling subject of her new mentor’s ultimate experiment.
Nice revision. I do have a few questions to challenge you with (and I understand that there is only so much you can cram into a log line, but these are things that went through my head as I read).ReplyDelete
Why would science create someone engineered to be a loner?
What is Juliet apprenticing Quinn in?
What is threatening the Modified's lives?
Overall, strong writing and interesting concept.